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As my regular readers know, I have been a staunch opponent of the institution of stay at home motherhood because it turns grown women into vulnerable dependents who are at the mercy of a man, his health, his whims, and his luck with regard to bread winning.

Well, now it seems as if I need to speak in less hetero-normative terms when I discuss this issue.

Stay at home motherhood is just as bad for lesbians as it is for women in relationships with men.

Unless you've been living in a monastery, I'll assume you heard about the break up of Melissa Etheridge and her partner, former actress, Tammy Lynn Michaels.

The break up happened a few months ago, but it was only days ago that Melissa filed the legal papers necessary to fully dissolve their union.

In these papers, she requested that her partner receive NO FINANCIAL SUPPORT WHATSOEVER.

Well...that didn't go over well with Tammy Lynn and she took to her blog to rant.

http://hollywoodfarmgirl.blogspot.com/2010/07/no-such-thing-as-privacy-i-guess-so.html

(I'm not going to formally link to it, so please copy & paste the URL into another browser window to view the post.)

Here is the text of the post in the event she takes it down:

no such thing as privacy, i guess? so okay.

2001.
late 2001

we were standing on a porch, outside, under the stars. we were talking about life, and what was coming up in the future, and schedules, and dreams, and building. she had a tour coming up, but the kids had school, and i had some auditions coming... what to do, what to do, what to do....

and that's when i sort of knew. those kids needed someone at home, someone stable, someone who wasn't jetting off all the time, and scrambling in and out. i knew that was like, to be a kid, and have people on revolving doors. so i stepped in, truly thinking i was doing the right thing.

"you know what?" i said. "do you want me to take a year off? take care of the kids? i can be here when you're gone, get them at school, bake for them, do the school stuff, and just catch them when you're not here. want me to do that?"

her face lit up like i was giving her a present she wanted but could never name. "would you do that??? you would do that???"

"sure! i've always wanted to make a home anyway! i'll make a home for you and me and the kids, and you go and do your thang with your guitar!"

we laughed and hugged, and she said it was perfect, and it was what she had always wanted anyways, but didn't want to ask anybody to do it for her..... make her a home.... etc. and that night was perfect. sitting on the porch, under the stars, back when we lived on the house on Mandeville canyon, near the ocean.

i gave up my managers, agents, contacts, all that good stuff, because i stepped directly into potty training a small boy, and carrying around a small girl on my hip. both excellent souls. and i was a very huge part in raising them for many many years while She with the Guitar focused on her Guitar.

i was always the house wife after that. the only thing i hated about it was not bringing in money- i have made my own money since i started babysitting at 10, and having a newspaper route at 11. having no steady paycheck killed me for those years with her. and now it's really killing me. the other week i had to borrow money from a friend. two weeks ago i had to scrape together $1.25 to pay for gas. i know she doesn't want to give me money. trust. i'm borrowing cash left and right from people to get through this summer, and feed my kids, with a stomach full of ulcers, thank you. no stress here. :-)

how's that spiritual tour coming along?


so now.... to open the lap top.... and read the headlines.... when i just spoke to the fame crawler yesterday.... she could have mentioned it..... and hmmm.... wants some custody of kids.... interesting.... but no $ support for me... interesting as well.... so so so interesting, there, melissa. practicing what we preach is always hard for americans, i think. (is that why you and rick warren got along so well? ) oh, the nights of promises.... "tammy, if i ever leave you, it's because i'm crazy, and you have to come find me and get me and save me!!! we have to be together forever!" (remember that one, lucky?)

Sad isn't it? Like countless other women, she offered to make her partner a home, birth the children, got into being all self-sacrificing and benevolent (thinking this was "the right thing to do"), and in the end is left with SHIT to show for it.

Scraping together $1 for fucking GAS?

For the fuck of shit people!

How many of these stories is it going to take for women to WISE UP and stop sacrificing THEMSELVES by abandoning their independence and financial livelihoods for the sake of homemaking and joblessness?

If this is the fate of a former celebrity actress married to a millionaire rockstar, how the fuck can any sane "regular" woman think she is above this fate and continue to go ahead with this sham of a lifestyle?

OK, I know it's been decades since I posted but I can't even describe to you how busy my life has been.

I've done some traveling (Sedona-with girlfriends, Vegas-with family, and Los Angeles- with girlfriends), I've had family come to visit, work has been crazy, and I've been a slave to exercise 6 days a week.

I have been posting small things here and there on FB because it's quick, easy, and can be done from work, so feel free to keep up with me there as well.

Also, I have a big time update coming here soon with regard to the friend whom is in a "breeding state of mind", so stay tuned!

I'd like to direct your attention to a series of posts on Slate's Double X blog regarding children and why they don’t bring happiness.

It was began with this post,“Why Having Kids Isn’t Necessary”, which I loved. Amanda Marcotte is a fantastic blogger and I’ve had an appreciation for her work for a long time.

Then came this rebuttal, "Insert 3-Year-Old Here", which I found to be similar to the blog I posted a few days ago from the Psychology Today website. The writer felt compelled to try and assert that all of the studies showing how unhappy children make people, are somehow flawed and not taking into account how much “enduring joy that having a child brings you.”

Again with the ASSUMPTIONS as a way to dispute the most recent AND numerous other studies done on the damage children do to the happiness of their parents. The writer continually ASSUMES that having children brings "enduring joy" to all parents. Quite a lofty assumption there dontcha think? I know plenty of people who have not been on the receiving end of “enduring joy” during their parental journeys.

Like most parents trying to grasp at straws in this argument, the author tries (and fails) to compare the stress of children to the stress of a career. I have seen this argument more times than I can count. “Sometimes your job stresses you childless people out too. Just like my kids stress me out. See, it’s the same thing!!!”

No. It’s really not. Not even close.

When doing this, parents seem to forget that careers and jobs can be changed. You can take breaks from a career. You can take vacations. You can find another job if things get too overwhelming. People do it all the time. Children are totally different. There are no vacations from them. When my previous job became a source of unbridled stress, my doctor wrote me a note and I was out for 7 weeks fully paid! Recovered my mental health and starting looking for new jobs. Whoo hoo!

You can't do that with kids! There are no leaves of absence from parenthood. There is no “resigning” from your post as a mother. Once they’re here, they’re yours to deal with forever. They are a relentless, enduring (since we like the word enduring so much) presence in the life of a parent.

Much, much different than some shitty 9-5.

Luckily my girl Amanda came back with another rebuttal, “Assessing the Risks of Babies”. Stellar piece and very much in the vein of what we frequently discuss here. She advocates looking at the full picture in a realistic manner when it comes to procreating and making an informed decision based on THE FULL PICTURE.

But- then came another rebuttal!“Do People Really Do A Cost-Benefit Analysis Before Having Kids?”

Basically saying, "Um how can you expect people to like...make logical decisions in life about having kids! No one does that!"

The author here states: “people are going to have the babies they want, even if they know it makes no sense. Because it doesn't, of course—if we did a real risk assessment, a real cost-benefit analysis, for many people it would make sense to skip the kids. They're expensive. They are, at times, difficult to manage. They curtail your movement. And even if you put all of that aside—even if those things are actually what you want—there's always the very real risk that they will get sick, or fall prey to drug addiction, gangs, or cults. Or die. Or grow up to be Democrats (my dad's worst fear). All of Emily's points are true, too—child-raising can bring a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction and provide a deep, enduring joy—but it might not. Plus, those are luxury goods, and technically should be considered only after the physical costs and difficulties. My point is really that most people don't think about it this way, and they're not going to. Happiness studies can support a decision you've already made, but most of us don't make our decisions based on happiness studies, if for no other reason than that we all share a deep inner conviction that we're really not like everyone else.”

THIS.

So much yes to this statement.

And this is the extreme folly with regard to the decision to breed when you have heard from various sources that will most likely not be a whirlwind romance of happiness and elation.

People think they are somehow…NOT LIKE EVERYONE ELSE.

That their experience will be DIFFERENT. Their child will be DIFFERENT. They will somehow beat the odds.

Some call it wishful thinking, I call it delusion.

I’ve spoken about this on my blogs several times. If there’s one thing I always say it’s that: The human experience is one of commonality. If we’re all making similar decisions and going about our lives in similar ways, we will inevitably experience similar hardships. I have never thought for one moment that I am going to do what everyone else does and have some magically different outcome than they do in the same endeavors. Especially endeavors in which your control over a situation is limited. When it comes to parenting, I’ve read up on nature vs. nurture recently. I know that parents do not always have the largest influence over a child’s behavior and life. That shit is risky.

Additionally, various studies have shown people are most happy and least at risk of depression when they feel that they have control over their lives and the power, freedom, and tools to change what’s wrong in them. Children severely limit the amount of control and freedom you have in your life. So it makes sense that so many studies show that parenting tends to make people unhappy.

It is completely ridiculous to me that people can’t seem to come to terms with this simple fact. It also blows my mind that people continue to think they can do the same naturally frustrating things other people do (become a parent), and think they will somehow experience less frustration in those endeavors.

Look- I have many, many flaws. But I’m so fucking glad that this sense of utter delusion is not one of them. I feel like I’ve dodged a huge bullet.

I just don't see the sense in walking the commonly traveled road (which I know disappointed masses of folk before me), finding that this road disappoints me as much as it did everyone else, and then being frustrated that it disappointed me. Talk about some crazy bullshit right there.