Baby Shower Shopping- The Fuck Was I Thinking?

A few months ago, I wrote about how my very best friend in the universe is with child. Actually, I wrote about it twice.

Well, I figured I'd post a follow up since her baby shower was a few weeks ago and reality REALLY sunk in for me that yikes, this baby is coming in 3 months.

First, let me discuss the shower.

Like most CF people, I LOATHE FUCKING BABY SHOWERS.

I usually only go to baby showers for the free cake. There's never any alcohol and the rest of what goes on at these things is a deplorable exercise in stupidity.

I mean just the idea of a "baby shower" is annoying to me...this is a widely celebrated custom in American society and that puzzles me.

Have sex, get pregnant, and get a party thrown for you with tons of complementary gifts as a congratulations!

Ummm...do you know how much sex I've had in my lifetime? A whole helluva lot. And none of it has ever resulted in me getting pregnant. Is that not sort of remarkable? WHERE IS MY PARTY? Why don't I get a congratulatory celebration?

What kind of paganism is this country founded on for fuck's sake?

Anyway, back to my hatred of baby showers...the biggest insult to my sensibilities?

The fucking stupid ass baby shower games.

Such as:

*Guess the pregnant lady's belly size by cutting up pieces of string and seeing which is the best fit for her "circumference". The winner who comes closest gets a prize OMG! EXCITING!

Laaaaame!

*Smashing up candy bars in diapers (to look like baby feces, awww how charming!!!), and then using sight and smell to try and guess WHICH candy bar is in which diaper. Pseudo shit mashed up in diapers = OODLES OF FUN!

*Pin the baby on the pregnant woman...sort of like pin the tail on the donkey but done with paper babies. Everyone is blindfolded and the person who puts the baby closest to the knocked up chick's stomach WINS!

Ughhhhh.

Get the hell out of here with this dumb shit.

So, suffice it to say I was incredibly relieved when BFF told me we would not be engaging in any of this fuckery at her shower. We were going to eat good food, socialize with friends, have cake, open her gifts and then roll the fuck out.

I could even consume liquor!

Since BFF was flying out from Cali, where she now lives, she asked that her guests only gift her with baby clothing and gift cards, since these things could be easily transported on the plane.

Now, I think she expected that I'd just get her a gift card and call it a day. After all, I am far from a "kid person" (hello...UNDERSTATEMENT) and the thought of me actually shopping for baby shit was not something that ever crossed her mind.

Well, for some reason that made me want to defy her expectations and go buy baby clothes.

As you can guess, it was sort of a debacle. I was totally clueless and out of my element.

My primary concern? WHY is this crap is so expensive? It's clothes for a baby. They grow out of this shit in two weeks, why does it cost so fucking much?

What a ripoff.

*sidenote* After I discovered how expensive baby clothes are, I told BFF that once the kid is born, she should just keep it diapered and wrapped in blankets and beach towels. That will save a fuckton of cash. Forget buying loads and loads of expensive, cutesy outfits that are not going to fit the kid 6 days from the day it was purchased. Where does this baby need to be every day? It's not like it has school or a job to go to! It's not going to have to keep up appearances or anything! So why does it need a bunch of outfits? Diaper it's ass, throw some socks on it's feet, wrap it in a blanket and handle your business!

BFF laughed me off and while she didn't exactly thank me for this advice, I figure she'll be grateful I gave her this idea in a few months and simply concluded my stellar advice with a charitable "and you're welcome."

As I further flipped through the racks of overly tiny, overly cutesy baby clothes at Target, I grew more and more frustrated with the stupid fucking code language they label this shit with.

For instance, certain clothes had a "PR" label...

"What the fuck is PR???", I asked myself out loud.

Puerto Rico?

Public Relations?

Punk Rock?

Then there was the baby shit labeled "NB".

Um....

New Balance?

Not Big?

Nagging Baby?

UGH! I am used to reading tags that say S, M, L, XL, etc.!

My brain does not compute any of this. Am I an airhead or is this whole process just stupid?

Possibly both?

Apparently, my befuddlement was showing because a Target sales girl came over to me asking if I needed help.

I wonder what gave her that idea! Could it have been me saying "Goddamn it all to hell!", semi-loudly while drowning in a sea of baby clothes?

Anyhow, she kindly took the time to educate me that "PR" stands for "Preemie" and "NB" stands for "Newborn".

Well, slap me with a big fat fucktard sign.

God I suck at this baby shopping shit. Note to self- NEVER DO IT AGAIN. Next time, get a gift card and quit trying to prove yourself.

I then asked her to show me where the "oneso's" were, totally forgetting the term is "onesie".

TB (Target Bitch), laughed hysterically as if I was intentionally making a joke.

Could I BE a bigger douchebag right now?

I think not.

Will I be baby shopping ever again in this lifetime?

You can bet your ass the answer is hell goddamn no.

You'll NEVER Regret Having Kids!

I usually don't comment on Mommy Blogs but after reading this article and the comments over at BabyCenter, I had to respond to a piece of parenting propaganda.

As you all know, I have written extensively about women who HATE motherhood. It's a new phenomenon to hear the hate stories thanks to the glorious interwebs.

Anyway, an inquisitive fence sitter, Megan, decided to posted a comment making her uncertainty about starting a family known. She partly states: "I am a little reluctant to have kids because the number of hardships and sacrifices I hear about seem to outweigh the joys and rewards."

Of course this sentiment alarms any breeder dedicated to promoting mommyhood and the facade that having kids is ALWAYS WORTH IT!!!!

So, another commenter, Lena decided to assuage all of Megan's (rightful and reasonable) fears about parenthood and replace them with new ones! She assured Megan that she will NEVER regret having kids. She'll only regret NOT having them!!!!

That ought to scare a fetus right into her empty uterus!

Isn't that rich.

She knows absolutely nothing about this woman's lifestyle, marriage, maternal instincts, NOTHING. How in the sam hell does SHE know that this woman isn't going to regret spawning? How can she all but GUARANTEE someone they will regret not having kids?

The audacity!

That's one thing I despise. Giving blanket advice to procreate when it may not really be in a person's best interest. The exaltation of parenthood as being the MOST meaningful act in life- one that is above reproach and regret really bothers the fuck out of me. IT'S FUCKING PROPAGANDA AND BULLSHITTERY.

Stop lying to people about shit this irreversible and serious breeders!

Ugh!

Anyway I tried to bring Megan back down to reality with this comment:

"I actually think it’s really disingenuous to tell Megan that she will "never regret having children" when according to a lot of mothers who seek solace in the anonymity of True Mom Confessions, their own personal blogs, and the internet in general, that is not always the case.

Plenty of women have expressed regret and remorse over being parents and unfortunately it’s not something they can go back and change now that they have the proper insight.

Megan, I would only say that it’s much more comforting to regret NOT having a child than regret having one and being stuck in the parent role for the next 20+ years and have it negatively affect every other area of your life. Socially, financially, emotionally, professionally, maritally, and in EVERY other way imaginable."

The difference between my comment and Lena's comment? One of us is dealing in plausible reality and one of us is dealing in assumptions, false assertions, and wishful thinking in order to convince someone to make a life-altering decision that may not be in their own self-interest.

Childfree Women- NOT TO BE TRUSTED!

One of my readers, Vanessa, has brought this recent article in the Daily Mail to my attention and I wanted to share it with all of you.

Entitled, "Why bosses are right to distrust women who don't want children... by a VERY outspoken mother (and ex-boss)" this shitty piece is sure to get a few of you going!

Personally, I couldn't help but giggle at it. Childfree women are some of the best, most dedicated co-workers I've ever had, I don't know what this dickass is talking about.

The author however, thinks voluntarily childless women are "weird".

Yes, how WEIRD we childfree women are. We must be a truly unenlightened bunch not to want to deal with all of the possibilities children bring!

And there are so many possibilities...

You know, things like...Sleep deprivation, sick days, homework, snow days, learning disabilities, constant cleaning up after others, hundreds to thousands of dollars in childcare costs, Dora, The Wiggles, Bobpants, and other craptacular television shows, play dates, chauffeuring them to doctors appointments, school, extra-curricular activities and lessons, the lack of privacy, having to speak in code and spell out words instead of fucking saying them out loud, being quiet as a church mouse during sex, stashing the porn and sex toys in secret places and praying they won't stumble upon them, protecting a child's "innocence" from the realities of LIFE, amusement parks and Chuck E. Cheese outings, teacher-parent meetings, report cards, homework, tedious school projects, disobedience, arguments, Drivers Ed, time outs, car seats, crying, snotty noses, poops and potties, puke, every other bodily fluid under the sun, ADD, autism, behavioral problems, medical problems, teen pregnancy, trust issues, uneven parental responsibilities, groundings, punishments, the possibility of raising a child who grows up to disappoint and shame you...

Ugh, yes...only a WEIRD person would shun all of these amazing possibilities!

Employers are so right to distrust us childfree women. After all, we're disobedient...defiant even! We won't allow ourselves to be thrust into a role we deem undesirable. We've weighed the pros and cons of child rearing heavily and have decided to rebelliously go our own way rather than follow the ways of the majority.

That definitely makes us a scary, sinister bunch!

*Snicker*