I don't know if anyone else frequents the humor blog STFU Parents, but let me tell you, sometimes there are things on this site that even I can't handle.

As a new user of Facebook, I haven't yet had the pleasure of coming across EXTREME parental over-share but let me tell you something- if I ever see some shit like this or anything that even holds a candle to this bullshit- I am not only deleting the offender from my friend list, I am excommunicating the motherfucker from my entire life.

Really. What kind of sick bastard would post some ill shit like this on the goddamned internet???

You know...there are almost no words for how vomit inducing something like this is. When I initially saw this, I was utterly appalled and flabbergasted. My next feeling was one of pure anger, which is weird since these are complete strangers, but something about this photo PISSED ME OFF.

I can't exactly put my finger on why either. I just saw it and became semi-furious. Like "wow you people are some damaged motherfuckers" and "how do you make it through life when you are that skullfuckingly fucked in the head?"

Don't you feel sorry for the offspring of whomever would do something like this? I mean seriously. THIS IS FUCKING SICK BEYOND BELIEF. Who does this???????

Ugghhhh! I can't even talk about this anymore. I need to go wrap myself in a blanket and sit in a dark corner somewhere.

I've only been on Facebook for a month and ALREADY it's proving itself to be more of an annoyance than what I need in my life.

Here's the story.

I posted a camera phone picture of an annoying sign in my local grocer's parking lot that states "Expectant Mom Parking" and added the caption: "While, I'd never park in a traditional handicap accessible parking space, I DO park here quite regularly, because pregnancy is not a fucking handicap and you should not get special parking spot for having sex!".

Because really, if sex is the standard for premier parking, my own sexual history should more than qualify me.

Anyway, this is my typical sarcastic fare and not at all out of the ordinary but, the next thing I know, one of my friends posts a "woe is me" comment stating: "All I can think about is how wonderful that space was when I was 9 months and having a hard time walking."

Uggghh. Classic move to try and guilt trip me, no?

Well, I'm not taking the bait.

Recently, I was diagnosed with osteo-arthritis (it runs in my family BIG time & presented itself in all of my affected relatives before age 35), and I have been having SERIOUS knee pain for the past several weeks.

My response back?

"Well, it was pretty "wonderful" for me today because my osteoarthritis is KILLING my GD knee- but oddly there are never any "special" parking spots marked off for "newly diagnosed arthritis sufferers" or "general fatigue suffers" or really ANYTHING BUT "mother with small child" and expectant moms"....I get that pregnancy is draining but so are a myriad of other conditions that Fry's (the name of the store) doesn't give a damn about. Your pregnancy was a temporary condition and it is now over. My osteo is hereditary and is here to stay. You can choose never to get pregnant again. I can't choose to not have fucked up joints. So you totally win!

Annnnd you got a tax break and tons of free shower gifts as a result the pregnancy. Your pregnancy got more consideration and benefits than my osteo ever will.

More WINS for you! :-)

/sarcasm

I mean really. Pregnancy is not the only condition on earth that makes walking difficult. Also I should say that even before my osteo diagnosis, I parked in those spots all the time. Hell, I was TIRED. I am a single woman who has to carry ALL of my groceries ALONE.

But are there any designated spots for MY lifestyle choice?

Fuck to the hell no!

She was not to be deterred though.

Her: "You can get a handicap tag that would allow you to park in those spaces-you just need a doctors note. I am sure there are a lot of things that you don't agree with but do you have to take away something that could potentially benefit another person just because you don't think it's right."

First of all, I honestly didn't know someone my age could obtain a handicap sticker for arthritis (why didn't my fucking doctor enlighten me to this when he last saw me in agony??). Secondly, don't you just loooove being chastised and guilt tripped by your friends?

Who doesn't!

Yes I am a mean, insensitive person for "taking something away" from someone who, like her, sought to be in that preventable/terminable condition.

Someone who ACTIVELY chose to get pregnant deserves special parking because their CHOICE might make them tired?

I beg to differ.

My response: "Well, this is sort of apples to oranges. I'd never park in a traditional handicap accessible spot because I do have consideration for others who are in conditions not of their choosing.

By this logic, any difficult thing we choose to bring upon ourselves that causes stress, fatigue, etc. would deserve some special reward or parking spot right? What about the morbidly obese? What about people who smoke a lot and are easily winded? Unlike having a legitimate handicap, all of these are lifestyle choices. Is it "fair" to everyone else that one of these choices gets a nice cushy spot at the grocery store and the others don't? I don't think it is honestly. Why is there no spot for chemo patients or dialysis patients? Do you see where I'm going? Pregnancy is (unfairly) the exalted condition by society and yes because I disagree I will keep parking there on principal."

So she smart alecks back with "Just fyi-all the examples you listed qualify for a handitag."

Ummmm last time I checked, people who smoke a lot and have no other condition do NOT qualify for a handitag and neither do obese people with no other medical conditions but...correct me in the comments if I'm wrong please.

Also, anyone who is undergoing chemo or dialysis and relies solely on relatives and neighbors for rides may NOT have a handicap sticker! But the grocery store in question doesn't seem to have any "designated drivers of ailing persons" spots marked off do they? Do they hold considerations for ANY OTHER persons who might need a close parking space but don't have a handicapped sticker?

No they do not. Because pregnancy is WORSHIPED more than anything else in the world you can think up!

IT'S THE MOST IMPORTANT THING WIMMENZ CAN DO!

My.Ass.

So let's tally things up here. No special parking spot for people who might happen to be driving a handicapped associate. No special parking spot for exhausted single women who have to make 20 trips to and from the car carrying heavy ass groceries. No special parking spot for general fatigue or exhaustion. No special parking spot for people who may have just had a medical procedure. (And no special parking spots for being a childfree citizen who conserves and isn't contributing to overpopulation either, I might add).

Nope. No parking spots for any of that. Only pregnancy!!

I can't let this one slide. I counter with:

"That's news to me but if smoking and eating too much qualify for a sticker, so should pregnancy.

If pregnancy doesn't qualify for a sticker on it's own merit, then I must not be the only one who doesn't think it's akin to having a handicap, thus deserving of a special parking space."

Also, I have to say, one of my friends was in great shape during her pregnancy and was doing light jogging EVERY DAY, almost up until her delivery date. Even on my BEST day, I can NOT jog with this painful osteo-arthritis, so I honestly don't want to hear that pregnancy is an equally debilitating condition for everyone. It is NOT and we all know this!

If YOUR pregnancy is that insufferable that you can't walk more than 12 parking spaces from the grocery store entrance, you should be able to get a fucking handicap sticker.

Do you hear that pregnant people?? If your being pregnant does not warrant a handicap sticker, you need to call your local congress member and complain or something, ok?

In the meantime, I will CONTINUE to park in the stupid pregnancy spot at the grocery store, whether my osteo is acting up OR NOT, without losing a damned bit of sleep over it. Got that?

My BFF delivered her kid a few days ago and so far, she seems to be happy and handling motherhood fairly well.

But again, she's only like 6 days into this thing so who knows...

Of course, every Facebook update she posts is filled with fucktons of baby pictures and updates on the kid, which I guess I expected, but as a person totally unmoved by infants, I still find it all to be pretty snooze inducing.

I mean how many pictures can you take of a newborn? They look the fucking same in every photo! They have two facial expressions at this age, "crying face" and "blank face".

I mean, really.

In any case, whenever she posts an update about something she's having difficulty with...breastfeeding, lack of sleep, whatever, her "momfia" buddies post the most superficial, annoying comments EVER.

BFF cannot air ONE legitimate grievance without being told "BUT IT'S SO WORTH IT!!!11!" by at least 3 people.

She's been having issues breastfeeding but does anyone with EXPERIENCE care enough to give her helpful suggestions? Nope, they just tell her how "worth it" all this hassle is.

"Breastfeeding is really the best thing for you AND the baby. It is so worth it once you get the hang of it!"

"I promise that the first night is the hardest, keep trying. Welcome the the parent 'hood!"

"Pain aside, there's nothing in the world like the birth of your children! When they first come out and they hand him to you--is that not the most breathtaking moment? There's nothing like it in the world. I wish I could bottle it up."

"Hang in there. Breast is best, and of all the right of women, the greatest is to be a mother."

Ugggghhh. Yeah of all of your achievements in life, having sex and winding up pregnant is the most significant of all!

And of course, there's the mommy judgment. "BREAST IS BEST!!!"

Um sometimes breast doesn't work and baby has to drink formula. IT ISN'T THE END OF THE WORLD.

Gawd, guilt tripping her already.

One of her friends in particular, is so very strident and forceful in her chorus of "it's so worth it", that she frightens me.

Is she simply being positive and uplifting, or is she trying to browbeat my friend into drinking the "happy mommy kool-aid"?

Or is she trying to convince HERSELF that it's all so "worth it" because she too is expecting a child soon (according to BFF)?

I'm not sure, but having read all I have read about parenthood, how hard it is, and how so many people suffer in silence secretly hating it, a lot of this empty praise for it seems a bit hollow to me.

I'm also worried about her being indoctrinated by these goddamn zealots. I fear that with all of these freaks in her ear about how "worthwhile" this endeavor is, she will turn into a creepy Stepford Breeder.

You know the type. Spouting hollow, meaningless platitudes about how great motherhood is, lying to herself and everyone else, never expressing one negative, HONEST reaction about being a mom, and secretly drinking vodka out of a Starbucks cup to get through the day...

I might not have kids but I DO have insight into what a hellish life that is and I don't want that for her at all.

In all of MY conversations with her, I talk to her about having a realistic approach to this new journey she's on. I hope she enjoys it and it makes her happy, but if it doesn't I don't want her being harshly judged by these shrill, sanctimonious, mommy cult worshiping fucktards.

With all that said, I'm left with one sentiment that I can't shake.

I am so glad to not be in her shoes...but so regretful that SHE is in her shoes.

Am I making sense?

For instance, the other day she asked about my upcoming trip to Turks & Caicos next month and told me how excited she was for me. The next sentence was "Wow, I'll be changing diapers and you'll be relaxing on a gorgeous white sand beach..."

I didn't really know how to respond. It wasn't a good feeling though. You know what I felt, like I WISHED she was coming with me. I told her I wished she was coming and that we could have traveled together while we're young.

Her response? "Yeah me too sweetie. There are so many things that aren't going to happen now..."

*Sigh*

As much as I like to be catty and sarcastic on this blog a lot of the time...I'm seriously mourning all the pleasures in life I'll be enjoying without my BFF by my side.

I've had MONTHS to prepare for this, but somehow now that the baby is here, it feels worse than I imagined it would.

You know, I truly hope this IS "all so worth it" for her. Otherwise it's all reduced to one big tragedy. BFF loses her life and vitality to motherhood and I lose my best companion and all of our opportunities to do great things together.

Maybe I'd get a kick out of the schadenfreude if this was someone else but it isn't.

Ugh...time to open up a bottle of Moscato I think.