I just wanted to give an update on the whole BFF pregnancy situation. Thanks to anyone who left a comment being supportive and understanding. Since CF peeps are in the minority in a world where everyone around us pops out babies, I knew some of you would relate to what I'm experiencing. Granted some of you posted some horror stories but thankfully, my BFF isn't the same type of trainwreck that many of you have suffered. She's got obstacles but she's not a fucked up jerk like some of the people you guys posted about...and MUCH to my relief! Whew.

Anyway, after reading some of the comments a few days ago, I felt in a much better place to be honest with her about my hopes for her life and our friendship. I felt so much dread and certainty that we could never be as close as we once were but I don't actually think that is *inevitable* now that we've talked about it.

When we spoke, I told her that more than anything, I WANT her to be happy and stable. I told her in the most sensitive way possible that I worry about what her life will be like when this baby comes. Yes, her and her fiancee have enough money to support it but I worry about her being alone so much, and about her new mother status and my CF status clashing.

In return, she told me that she worries too. She has always wanted to be a mother and is hopeful about the future but she worries about the unknowns of child rearing. She also told me that I am always foremost in her thoughts because I am the person closest to her and she doesn't want to lose my friendship...she also said that she wants me to be myself during the pregnancy and after the arrival of the baby because that is why she loves me.

A direct quote from her lips to this blog: "You aren't being YOU if you're not cussing about or at a baby so please don't change! I need you to be YOU during this whole thing."

Gawd I breathed a sigh of relief.

One thing I should convey about BFF and I is that we are fucking hilarious together. Yeah I'm tooting both of our horns. Honestly, we always say we should have a radio show or something, because our humor is one of the best things about our friendship. I have to tell you, after this most recent conversation I felt so good to hear her say that she wants me to remain my militantly childfree self and that I am within my rights to cuss her baby out when necessary.

And yes I did offer to cuss the baby out in the event it behaves like an asshole when it's here...which IT WILL! Ugh, all babies act like dicks at some point in time. So I told her "Look, if that baby is crying and won't let you get a moment of peace, you can call me up and I'll be all like 'PUT THE GODDAMN BABY ON THE PHONE' and proceed to cuss it out for you."

Cause that's what friends are for and shit.

She knows that there will be times I will refer to her baby as a crotch nugget and engage in other such funny name calling baby insults. She knows that I will not offer to keep the munchkin for a weekend. She won't expect that of me and says she wouldn't dream of asking.

I've also told her that I expect a few things from her during all this. Yes I understand motherhood will probably be all-encompassing but I want US to still be US and to talk the way we've always talked. I expect her not to talk to me for hours on end about diaper genies and onesies and dumb shit. I expect her not to drone on endlessly about how the sun rises and sets on this baby's shit smeared ass. I expect her to still have traces of the girl I fell in BFF love with when this baby enters the picture.

Hmph, guess what she said...she PROMISES not to talk that way. She vows to not piss me off with mommy banter.

It felt GOOD to tell her that without being a total asshole about it. You see, I don't think you have to be a complete fuckstick to people you love and care for when they make a choice YOU wouldn't make. Negativity and gloom and doom is for the casual people in life you don't give a shit about, not for the ones you treasure.

Yes, I'm still apprehensive about the times of misery that inevitable lie ahead for her. The growing pains of motherhood. I hope I'm able to be what she needs because seriously, she has come to my rescue more times than I can count and she deserves the same from me. Our friendship is the deepest I have ever experienced...we send each other flowers and cards, we say I love you, we refer to one another as "my heterosexual life partner", we cry when the other is sad and anguished...we are pretty much like two dykes without the sex.

Bottom line, there is a ridiculous amount of love here and neither one of us is at this time, willing to throw it away because of a difference in reproductive choice.

So for now, our friendship endures. She wants me to always be who I am and I want her to always be who she is now and WAS before baby came busting into our lives. Will we manage? Time will tell I guess. The good thing is, we're both conscious of our hopes and expectations for one another and we're committed to doing what needs to be done to stay best friends.

That's the first step...right?