Remember this post?

Well I should have seen the writing on the wall because soon after that post, BFF quit her birth control because her gyno sent her into a panic by telling her that it may take a longer for her to conceive once she's "ready for a baby" since she's been on the pill for 10 years. And this obstacle is in addition the previous one her doctor informed her of...her status as a type 1 diabetic.

Can I just say, I hate fucking doctors? I really do.

Anyway, three weeks ago, BFF told me she's pregnant.

She told me via BlackBerry messenger and thank goodness we weren't on the phone because then she would have heard me burst into tears!

And NOT tears of joy.

Yeah I present myself as a hardass most of the time but I am a crier at heart...good news, bad news, usually it all makes me weep.

This piece of news of course, to me, is bad. But she, is thrilled. She's always wanted children.

So here we go. A new baby. What of our treasured friendship? Everything in her life is going to change, what is going to become of us?

I spent the entire day upset once she broke this news to me. I faked it sufficiently while chatting with her though. Isn't that my job as a friend? To try and share her joy, no matter how much it scares me?

Here she is, a thousand miles away from all family, friends, and support. She has been SO unhappy during the entire time she has lived in California.

My suspicion? This will NOT help!

She however said to me "maybe this is what's going to make me happy!"

More tears on my part after hearing that. It just sounds illogical. Unhappy life...add baby and everything will be better! Guys, I so want that to be true but I just don't think it will be. The stress of taking care of a baby, practically alone, while fiancee (yes they're now engaged) works hours upon hours every day, even on weekends? This will equal happiness???

To have watched her be so miserable and lost for all these months, it makes me so profoundly sad to imagine the negative impact this baby will have.

After a day had passed from receiving this news, I did what I felt I should do. I sent her a huge bouquet of flowers telling her congratulations on the baby and I am here for her always. I meant it. The last part. I will be here but I'm no more ready for this than she is. I do not know HOW to support her in the event this turns out to be a colossal mistake.

I do not feel equipped to talk her down if and when the stress of this baby takes it's toll. As far as I'm concerned, it's a life sentence in hell. How, with this outlook and attitude, do I properly support her through those times?

How do I watch her endure the many miserable moments that make up motherhood and stay positive and uplifting?

Sure, it's all hypothetical right? She may not have any of that. It might all be perfect and turn out to be everything she's ever hoped for.

But selfish as it may be, I know that our friendship isn't going to be the same. My place in her life won't be the same. We won't relate to one another the way we once did. Maybe she'll even resent me for being childfree one day.

I have all of these fears...all of these and MORE believe it or not. I feel sad and incredibly guilty and I have been carrying this guilt for weeks. Imagining her miserable and then feeling guilty because does that mean I'm WISHING misery upon her with the arrival of this baby? It feels disgusting to even type that. She is so important and special to me and I wouldn't wish misery upon her in a million fucking years. I want her to be endlessly, insanely happy. I just have deep doubts that this child will bring that.

I feel so shitty.