*I will be following up on the last post, simply consider this an intermission*

Ugh...Facebook Momfia Wars. Why do I keep finding myself in this situation?

Lemme tell ya what happened.

OK, so BFF posted something to Facebook about how she longs to be a SAHM but has no conceivable way to manage it financially.

She hates looking for a job (as do most people) and hates the idea of leaving her baby in daycare.

Being that I am a staunch advocate of women being as independent as possible (and not counting on men to "make their lives" for them), I thought I'd recommend the book "The Feminine Mistake" (which I talked about here) and remind her how possible it is to find a job you love.

I posted:

Two things: First, I think you should dedicate yourself to finding a job you absolutely love. It is NOT impossible and I am living proof of that! If you need resume help or something, I am here girlfriend!

Secondly, I implore you to go to your local library and find the book 'The Feminine Mistake' by Leslie Bennetts.

I read it a few years ago (after watching an Oprah episode about women who stayed home with their kids instead of working and ended up divorced or widowed and completely annihilated financially because of their economic dependence on their spouse) and it is worth it's weight in gold...

One thing I liked about the book is that she stresses that women NOT think of working as "X of MY wages will go to daycare". The child is both of your financial responsibilities because you are married, so why do women think in the singular mindset of where "their wages" will go and deduce it isn't "worth it" for them to work? The goal of working is to ensure financial security and income growth, and this comes only with time. Time spent working! There will come a day when you are not paying for daycare because the kid will eventually go to school. A job and the formation of a career is an investment you make in yourself and can help to ensure your security should you ever end up divorced, widowed, or with a critically injured/disabled spouse who can no longer support the family.

I want you to be happy and have an abundance of choices and options...I personally think that comes in part with having a stable job (that you enjoy) and an extensive back up plan not related to any one person. Dependence has definite risks. This book made me think about that a lot. The thought of something happening to ______ (her husband) or your marriage and you and the baby being compromised because of it kills my soul. Having a job doesn't protect you from *everything* but it provides an additional layer of security for you and your child and the ability to more quickly leave an undesirable situation should it ever come to that.


Now...did I say anything *wrong* here? Overly passionate maybe, but this is how we communicate with each other. Still, nothing malicious in the comment right?

Well, BFF's friend (who I've never met)- whom we'll call "Terminally Unemployed, Devastatingly Insecure Mombie" took HUGE issue with my advice.

She decides to butt into the dialogue and say:

What is security? Security can be snatched away in an instant--as many of us have seen in our current economic situation. If one's desire is to work, then great--but if one's desire is to stay at home, rearing the next generation (which I'm currently doing), then that should be applauded. One day, I will not lie on my deathbed and say, "I wish I would've worked more." Every family is so different, and what may work for one, may not work for the other. Why plan for disaster? It's one thing to be prepared, but another to change your entire lifestyle, "just in case" the world turns upside down."

"Why plan for disaster"??? Did I just read that?

And "what is security"? Um, I can tell you what ISN'T security. Hitching your wagon to a man and putting all your eggs in his basket. That's what ISN'T "security".

From her profile picture, it seems as if this woman has three kids. So with THREE FUCKING KIDS, the fact that she doesn't see the need to "plan for disaster" is very disturbing and honestly an indication of how reckless and irresponsible people are with their children's futures. The "I don't WANT to work, even though I can't afford to have a catastrophe happpen" mentality seems common among SAHM's.

"Why plan for disaster???..." You must be fucking joking woman.

I plan for disaster and all I have is fucking cats man!

And really. If your choice is so magnificent and you'll "never lie on your deathbed wishing you'd worked more", why are you getting so fucking defensive about me telling my friend how huge of a risk staying home is for someone in her position? Could it be because YOU are positively desperate for your situation to work out because your options are limited and you hate having it brought to your attention?

COULD THAT BE WHY BITCH?

Because your life DEPENDS on whether or not your husband decides to stay married to you? Because you and your children's lives DEPEND on whether or not he stays healthy enough to work and make enough money to support you and three kids? Because you have no job, job prospects, or money of your own and have built an entire house of cards upon one man's personal whims and luck?

Awww, I guess that would make anyone defensive huh?

Boo friggity hoo bitch. Make a different decision and get empowered then.

"Ugh, WHY are you even talking to me you troll? I am addressing my FRIEND about this!!!", I wanted to type back in ALL CAPS.

Instead though, I figured I'd muster up some decorum, (while still highlighting the foolishness and level of risk involved in such a decision).

"Um, no need for a "mommy wars" debate or the defensiveness. I don't even know you. Or your circumstances for that matter. If someone is happy being solely dependent on a man's income (and his whims/desire to always stay married to you, faithful to you, and support you financially, along with his ability to never befall anything unfortunate) embrace that lifestyle and hope for the best...you certainly don't need to justify yourself or your choice to me, a stranger on a mutual friend's Facebook page...if ______ (our friend) were filthy rich I would not be on here telling her- "Even though you are independently wealthy, I think you need a job for autonomy and personal fulfillment and forget about staying home with your kid." My advice is geared toward her because I know her situation. In regard to HER, I worry about all of the things that depending solely on imperfect people (and their pesky ability to get hurt and/or drop dead) and ever-changing relationships can cause down the road and I want her to have as much empowerment and protection against that as possible...I am not addressing you personally or the beloved institution of stay at home mommyhood."

Dumbass.

I mean really. Why are her panties in a bunch over this if she's not somehow insecure about her own vulnerabilities?

Terminally Unemployed, Devastatingly Insecure Mombie's response:

"I WILL EMBRACE IT! That's what vows are for. To each his own you know."

Um...that's what the fuck I just said in my last comment you touchy, wretched hag. Embrace that shit all you want!

Oh but the "that's what vows are for" comment made me L-O-fucking L.

"WAAAAAA, STOP MAKING ME THINK ABOUT NOT HAVING A PLAN B. MY VOWS WILL WITHSTAND EVERYTHING!!! DON'T YOU DARE TELL ME OTHERWISE!!!"

ROFL!

This is what happens when you talk about this to women who don't work. There is all of sorts of faux-existential questioning..."what is security anyway???" and vague talk of "vows" as if "vows" protect against every crisis people will ever face when they aren't financially independent. They wax philosophical about "lying on their death beds" and evaluating their lives....ugh, it's all so ridiculous.

You rarely ever hear anything of substance out of their mouths addressing the issue you're bringing up- the fact that this IS a risky choice for any woman who isn't financially secure on her own merit. Nothing they counter with is sufficient enough to justify putting the children they love so much in this potentially precarious position.

That's ok...if hubby becomes a vegetable or runs off with his childfree, 22-year-old girlfriend Heather, hopefully all your "love" will pay the mortgage and bills, as well as send your kids to college and fill up your 401k so you can prepare for retirement.

Just tell the kids you loved them too much to "plan for disaster". They'll understand!!

Again, as staunchly CF and feminist as I am, I have NO PROBLEM with a woman deciding to stay home as long as she is financially independent and not subject to the health, wealth, luck, and whims of a man. Vows or no vows.

If those things are not in place then yeah, I think the choice is risky and foolish and their dislike of that opinion is rooted in their own insecurity. I think that deep down, the women who get upset like this KNOW how risky it is. If they were secure, there wouldn't be any reason to be ruffled over the subject. They'd think to themselves, "Oh, they're talking about women in sketchy financial positions. This doesn't include me because I can make it just fine without my husband", and move on with their damn lives.

Anyhow, I'm glad I copied and pasted this thread earlier (intending to post it here) because apparently, after some time away from the keyboard and likely the realization that she came off as defensive and scared, "Terminally Unemployed, Devastatingly Insecure Mombie" came back to the thread, deleted all of her prior comments and addressed the following to me:

"(Childfree Chick), I just want to say I have no animosity in any of my comments. I really just wanted to encourage _______ to do whatever she can to follow her desire to stay home--this is not to say that one day she won't enter the workplace. I DO NOT look down on any working mother--my mom was a single mom and worked a ton, doing whatever she could to take care of us. I respect her so much, just as I respect any mom who has the privilege to stay home and be present for her kids. It all comes down to how much we love our kids and show that love--that's what they'll remember--whether we work for pay or work at home for no pay."

Um whatever. LOL. Who is she kidding? None of her comments referenced our friend at all. They were all rabidly defending her own risky, dependent lifestyle choice. The one she is clearly insecure and overly sensitive about.

I decided not to respond because this woman's cards are already on the table and she has already been exposed. She is pathetic enough to delete her own nonsensical, shrill comments for fuck's sake. And while my interest was for that of our friend, hers was simply to defend what she's done with her own life. I clearly hit a nerve with all my talk of BFF being secure and empowered, and this bitch's carefully constructed SAHM veneer cracked like a fucking eggshell over it.

Typical.