I just wanted to give an update on the whole BFF pregnancy situation. Thanks to anyone who left a comment being supportive and understanding. Since CF peeps are in the minority in a world where everyone around us pops out babies, I knew some of you would relate to what I'm experiencing. Granted some of you posted some horror stories but thankfully, my BFF isn't the same type of trainwreck that many of you have suffered. She's got obstacles but she's not a fucked up jerk like some of the people you guys posted about...and MUCH to my relief! Whew.

Anyway, after reading some of the comments a few days ago, I felt in a much better place to be honest with her about my hopes for her life and our friendship. I felt so much dread and certainty that we could never be as close as we once were but I don't actually think that is *inevitable* now that we've talked about it.

When we spoke, I told her that more than anything, I WANT her to be happy and stable. I told her in the most sensitive way possible that I worry about what her life will be like when this baby comes. Yes, her and her fiancee have enough money to support it but I worry about her being alone so much, and about her new mother status and my CF status clashing.

In return, she told me that she worries too. She has always wanted to be a mother and is hopeful about the future but she worries about the unknowns of child rearing. She also told me that I am always foremost in her thoughts because I am the person closest to her and she doesn't want to lose my friendship...she also said that she wants me to be myself during the pregnancy and after the arrival of the baby because that is why she loves me.

A direct quote from her lips to this blog: "You aren't being YOU if you're not cussing about or at a baby so please don't change! I need you to be YOU during this whole thing."

Gawd I breathed a sigh of relief.

One thing I should convey about BFF and I is that we are fucking hilarious together. Yeah I'm tooting both of our horns. Honestly, we always say we should have a radio show or something, because our humor is one of the best things about our friendship. I have to tell you, after this most recent conversation I felt so good to hear her say that she wants me to remain my militantly childfree self and that I am within my rights to cuss her baby out when necessary.

And yes I did offer to cuss the baby out in the event it behaves like an asshole when it's here...which IT WILL! Ugh, all babies act like dicks at some point in time. So I told her "Look, if that baby is crying and won't let you get a moment of peace, you can call me up and I'll be all like 'PUT THE GODDAMN BABY ON THE PHONE' and proceed to cuss it out for you."

Cause that's what friends are for and shit.

She knows that there will be times I will refer to her baby as a crotch nugget and engage in other such funny name calling baby insults. She knows that I will not offer to keep the munchkin for a weekend. She won't expect that of me and says she wouldn't dream of asking.

I've also told her that I expect a few things from her during all this. Yes I understand motherhood will probably be all-encompassing but I want US to still be US and to talk the way we've always talked. I expect her not to talk to me for hours on end about diaper genies and onesies and dumb shit. I expect her not to drone on endlessly about how the sun rises and sets on this baby's shit smeared ass. I expect her to still have traces of the girl I fell in BFF love with when this baby enters the picture.

Hmph, guess what she said...she PROMISES not to talk that way. She vows to not piss me off with mommy banter.

It felt GOOD to tell her that without being a total asshole about it. You see, I don't think you have to be a complete fuckstick to people you love and care for when they make a choice YOU wouldn't make. Negativity and gloom and doom is for the casual people in life you don't give a shit about, not for the ones you treasure.

Yes, I'm still apprehensive about the times of misery that inevitable lie ahead for her. The growing pains of motherhood. I hope I'm able to be what she needs because seriously, she has come to my rescue more times than I can count and she deserves the same from me. Our friendship is the deepest I have ever experienced...we send each other flowers and cards, we say I love you, we refer to one another as "my heterosexual life partner", we cry when the other is sad and anguished...we are pretty much like two dykes without the sex.

Bottom line, there is a ridiculous amount of love here and neither one of us is at this time, willing to throw it away because of a difference in reproductive choice.

So for now, our friendship endures. She wants me to always be who I am and I want her to always be who she is now and WAS before baby came busting into our lives. Will we manage? Time will tell I guess. The good thing is, we're both conscious of our hopes and expectations for one another and we're committed to doing what needs to be done to stay best friends.

That's the first step...right?

Remember this post?

Well I should have seen the writing on the wall because soon after that post, BFF quit her birth control because her gyno sent her into a panic by telling her that it may take a longer for her to conceive once she's "ready for a baby" since she's been on the pill for 10 years. And this obstacle is in addition the previous one her doctor informed her of...her status as a type 1 diabetic.

Can I just say, I hate fucking doctors? I really do.

Anyway, three weeks ago, BFF told me she's pregnant.

She told me via BlackBerry messenger and thank goodness we weren't on the phone because then she would have heard me burst into tears!

And NOT tears of joy.

Yeah I present myself as a hardass most of the time but I am a crier at heart...good news, bad news, usually it all makes me weep.

This piece of news of course, to me, is bad. But she, is thrilled. She's always wanted children.

So here we go. A new baby. What of our treasured friendship? Everything in her life is going to change, what is going to become of us?

I spent the entire day upset once she broke this news to me. I faked it sufficiently while chatting with her though. Isn't that my job as a friend? To try and share her joy, no matter how much it scares me?

Here she is, a thousand miles away from all family, friends, and support. She has been SO unhappy during the entire time she has lived in California.

My suspicion? This will NOT help!

She however said to me "maybe this is what's going to make me happy!"

More tears on my part after hearing that. It just sounds illogical. Unhappy life...add baby and everything will be better! Guys, I so want that to be true but I just don't think it will be. The stress of taking care of a baby, practically alone, while fiancee (yes they're now engaged) works hours upon hours every day, even on weekends? This will equal happiness???

To have watched her be so miserable and lost for all these months, it makes me so profoundly sad to imagine the negative impact this baby will have.

After a day had passed from receiving this news, I did what I felt I should do. I sent her a huge bouquet of flowers telling her congratulations on the baby and I am here for her always. I meant it. The last part. I will be here but I'm no more ready for this than she is. I do not know HOW to support her in the event this turns out to be a colossal mistake.

I do not feel equipped to talk her down if and when the stress of this baby takes it's toll. As far as I'm concerned, it's a life sentence in hell. How, with this outlook and attitude, do I properly support her through those times?

How do I watch her endure the many miserable moments that make up motherhood and stay positive and uplifting?

Sure, it's all hypothetical right? She may not have any of that. It might all be perfect and turn out to be everything she's ever hoped for.

But selfish as it may be, I know that our friendship isn't going to be the same. My place in her life won't be the same. We won't relate to one another the way we once did. Maybe she'll even resent me for being childfree one day.

I have all of these fears...all of these and MORE believe it or not. I feel sad and incredibly guilty and I have been carrying this guilt for weeks. Imagining her miserable and then feeling guilty because does that mean I'm WISHING misery upon her with the arrival of this baby? It feels disgusting to even type that. She is so important and special to me and I wouldn't wish misery upon her in a million fucking years. I want her to be endlessly, insanely happy. I just have deep doubts that this child will bring that.

I feel so shitty.

Wow. Art imitates life huh.

So this is going to be a quick post because I am moving on Saturday and still have a lot of stuff to pack and organize!

I thoroughly enjoyed every last one of the comments on the last two posts...they ranged from funny to insightful to full of rage! Fucking awesome. Every day this story is out, more dirt emerges from the woodworks. It's truly ridiculous.

Can you guys believe this bitch is asking for donations? I would sooner line my cat's litter box with all the money I own and let them piss and defecate all over it before I donated a goddamn thing to this fucktarded loon.

Anyway I try to refrain from posting sickening photos on this website so I'll simply provide a link on this one. For those of you who haven't seen the pics of Octo-moo knocked up with her 8 twatlings, here ya fucking go.

Don't say I didn't warn you as to the grotesque, ghastly nature of this shit.

I'm sure no one saw this coming! Octo-moo is going on a media blitz.

Who woulda thunk it? Treat your uterus like a drop house stuffed to capacity with illegals and of course this is the next natural step.