Comments on Childfree Clique: Hating Motherhood Is The New Black

Im 30 with a 5 yr old and I made the scary decisio...

2011-12-08T21:58:34.242-07:00

Im 30 with a 5 yr old and I made the scary decision to have her because her dad was in the hospital with a major brain injury and the doctors didnt think he would make it, I wanted to choose to not have a baby but I felt so guilty to keep him alive that i felt at the time I had no other option. I cried every day because I knew it was the wrong choice and now I know I should have followed those feelings because her dad is still alive and completly different I am raising this child on my own working ft and going to school pt my life is so stressful and consumed with constant adult stress and even more stress from my 5 year old. She is so needy from the second she wakes up she is constantly talking about nothing and everything I am barley surviving in school and her dead beat dad is off living it up with no responsablity what so ever. I cant stand the winning and nagging from her, the pretending games "pretend im your puppy, pretend im your kitty" the constant noises and messes the disobediance. I feel like I will never be me again and its completly depressing.

I think there's a lot of unresolved post natal...

2011-11-25T18:10:18.417-07:00

I think there's a lot of unresolved post natal depression being expressed on here.

I'm Childfree, and I get rather upset when peo...

2011-09-29T10:25:05.776-07:00

I'm Childfree, and I get rather upset when people say things like, "They made their bed, now lie in it." Isn't that what these are doing? Does it change the fact that they were duped? They were all fed the same things that we're all fed, however, these women took the bait. I'm just glad I haven't. Before we knock these women down, we should be appreciative of their honesty and for sharing the truth about motherhood.

You're absoloutly right, April, society is per...

2011-08-08T09:43:46.347-07:00

You're absoloutly right, April, society is pervasive in representing motherhood as a blissful + fulfilling role, it doesn't leave room (especially depending on what kind of family you grew up in) for questioning if being a mother will make you happy or not. I know my parents would blow up if I said I didn't want to have kids.

As it is, my 3 month old is screaming now in the background. I can't eat, sleep, barely eek out a moment to go to the bathroom, no time to enjoy my husband. I hate it. I have an adventurous soul and I feel like all the good things in my life are being violently choked out. I keep thinking, "Shit this is the end, I've ruined everything, why didn't anybody WARN me!" because I HAVE talked to plenty of moms and they all sugar-coated everything. No one gave me a clue to what it was really going to be like. And I HAVE spent ample time with children to see what it's like, but this is SO SO SO very different from any of that.

Gotta go see what's wrong with the baby NOW.

Almost all of my friends are mothers. I have abso...

2011-07-05T09:05:24.083-07:00

Almost all of my friends are mothers. I have absolutely no desire for it. But I also resent how much it changes my friends. Whenever I hear that *another* one of them is pregnant, I think "there is another causality. Another friend lost to motherhood." Every single one of these chicks turns into a selfish, preachy, self-righteous intolerable person when they have a baby. I can't even talk openly about my feelings, even though they are free to say whatever they want about it! If I say that motherhood is any less than sainthood and that the particular child in question is any less than the savior sent from the heavens, my crazy friends treat me like I am a serial killer and that I just "don't get it." I absolutely don't want to "get it" because it will turn me into an asshole like them. It completely sucks to be in my thirties and not part of the mommy klan. All these women give me such looks of hatred-- like I would even want their stupid baby's daddy. It doesn't take anyone special to get knocked up. And it doesn't take anyone special to scar your children. I am absolutely fed up with this expectation that 1) mommyhood is something I should desire and 2) it is the best thing in the world. I really resent that my life has to change because of some other people's unfortunate decisions. I hope all those bitches regret it, too. I want some respect for actually making a globally conscientious decision. I want some respect for being a powerful woman who doesn't need a little parasite with my face to feel complete in life. I want some freedom to have my own ideas and not be condemned just because they are different.

I am one these women also. My daughter was born w...

2011-05-04T19:39:07.840-07:00

I am one these women also. My daughter was born while using birth control (pills and condoms). I am pro-choice but it's not something I could do. I looked in to adoption, then as I became more attached to her, I made my baby a promise that if I couldn't handle being a mom and if I felt that I wasn't able to give her what she needs or be able to be a good mother, I would give her up. She was great! I was great! I loved raising her! Then when she was a baby, her father shook her and slammed her and now she is brain damaged. It's been several years since then but now I have become more and more bitter. I don't hate her. I love her. I really do. I hate being a mom now. I have to do every single thing for her. She can't rationalize while we work on her behaviors because it's harder for her. I am stuck with her for the rest of my life, she will never be able to fully live on her own. I don't have the patience and desire or energy in me to be her mother anymore. I am worried that if I give her up for adoption or put her in a group home, she will be put in a position to be physically, sexually, emotionally, abused and neglected. I don't want her to be hurt but I am worried I am doing more harm than good because I am not affectionate anymore, I have zero patience, and I am so tired of having to live this life... I hate being a mom. It's the worst thing in the entire world.

Unbelievable. Maybe giving up your kids for adopt...

2010-10-18T12:01:06.433-07:00

Unbelievable. Maybe giving up your kids for adoption would be doing them a favour. Who wants to grow up in a household where you're not wanted/loved? What kind of hateful people are these so-called mothers?

I feel very, very sorry for the children. I can pretty much bet that most of these "moms" grew up in loving homes, where their parents sacrificed a lot to give them all that they needed. The thing they never taught them though, was selflessness.

If you feel this way, then do any future children a favour, and don't give birth. I have never read anything more hateful in my life. Good grief.

Well that's rather spiteful. I do feel a littl...

2010-08-03T02:40:32.506-07:00

Well that's rather spiteful. I do feel a little sorry for you mommies, but really, what were you expecting? How stupid do you have to be to think that motherhood was going to be easy? It's not like you didn't have a choice and it's really not that hard to think for yourself, you could have tried it when you were making pretty much the most important decision of your life. And if contraception does fail, it's called adoption! You have to be pretty weak willed not to be able to do that at least.

I knew it would change things and it would be hard...

2010-06-03T18:24:55.411-07:00

I knew it would change things and it would be hard, but I didn't realize HOW hard. Yowza !! I need to just breath, relax, don't scream, be calm, patient and try the "reverse psychology thing". Wow.....my 3 1/2 yr. old daughter.......Wow.......Also have a 10 month old daughter (and I'm 40). Wow......Yowza! Lord give me strength.

Totally agree. We made our choice, but it's no...

2010-06-03T18:11:50.664-07:00

Totally agree. We made our choice, but it's not that cut and dry.......I hope one of these ladies who "don't feel" for us Mommies one day becomes a Mommy, maybe by mistake, and they feel the wrath of the child.

There hasn't been one day in three years that ...

2010-05-30T17:43:35.424-07:00

There hasn't been one day in three years that I haven't regretted having my son. I should have trusted my instinct and not had children. I'm a terrible mom and I hate my life. My husband of 12 years and I were happily married before our son came along. Now we are both depressed, angry, and miserable. I wanted to put my son up for adoption when he was a month old. Now it's too late. I'm not sure I even love my kid. He's too much for me to handle and I don't miss him when I'm not with him. Hating motherhood is my reality, and there's no feasible way out of this nightmare. God help me.

15-20 years of our already too short lives is FAR ...

2010-03-06T13:42:39.124-07:00

15-20 years of our already too short lives is FAR too much to give when you have the option to avoid it.

I totally thought that your life is not complete u...

2009-09-12T16:21:38.909-07:00

I totally thought that your life is not complete until your married and you have children. Now 11 years married and 3 children later I am telling all my still single friends. DON"T DO IT!!!!!!!!!! My first born was the angel girl baby, then I had the devil boy baby and then one more angel boy baby. Oh did I mention that I was one of the lucky ladies that puked her brains out all nine months of pregnancy. I mean everyday all day feeling like shit. How stupid was I to do this 3 times. The stupid thing is some of these psycho super moms that it was so wonderful of me to make that sacrafice. I stupidly thought no one could be sick all three times. Was I an idiot... Sadely my middle child has made my life a living HELL. He upsets me so much that I have high blood pressure because of him. I am afraid I am going to drop dead of a heart attack before I am 40 because of him. I feel like a horrific mother to my other 2 kids because he has me worked up so much that I lash out at them because of him. I can't wait until they are all in school so that I can have 6 1/2 hours in a day to myself to actually have a thought without being interupted. If I would have had a crystal ball at 26 when I got married and could see how having children ruins your life I would have never went to the church that day. I would have run to a beach and would probably still be there enjoying my single, childless life.... Anyone in their late 30's early 40's still thinking they need to be married and have children to be happy you are deluding yourself. Why would you want to start having kids at that age. I know there are people out there that are spending thousands of dollars on infertility treatments, perhaps they should look at it as a blessing in disguise. I just wonder what the future will bring. Will my kids grow up and move away and think going to see the folks is a pain in the ass like I hear alot of my friends say. I personally had a great childhood and wonderful parents that I love to visit. But with my luck I will get the kids that leave home and never come back. Motherhood is such an unknown and thankless job. I am so sorry I signed up for it. I am sooooooooooo jealous of you single, childless souls out there. Enjoy the freedom....

Parenting is hard work, very hard work (which does...

2009-09-01T17:42:44.253-07:00

Parenting is hard work, very hard work (which does get easier as the child grows up) however, (most) parents would make the same decision to have children if they were to do life over. This is because anything in life worth having is hard work. That's just the way life is unfortunately. It's like when you study extremely hard (for years sometimes) and achieve a professional designation - it was hard work but the pleasure and sense of achievement is immeasurable. Being happy doesn't equal all comfort and no pain, hence the expression "no pain, no gain".

That said, there are definately pros and cons to both having children and not having children. Everyone just has to sort out which situation suits them better personally. I don't think one way of living is necessarily better than the other, it just depends on what you want to experience in life.

Nicky

I can't help thinking about the wingnuts who w...

2009-08-07T18:39:18.683-07:00

I can't help thinking about the wingnuts who want to force women seeking abortions to listen to be asked if they've considered their choice. I think doctors should ask every woman who is pregnant or thinking of becoming pregnant if they've considered THEIR choice -- and then give them this list of comments of women whose lives have been ruined by breeding.

Hello Women,

MY GOD WOW! to all the comment...

2009-04-02T13:59:00.000-07:00

Hello Women,

MY GOD WOW! to all the comments made, the confessions of harrassed mothers. You have my sympathies truely ladies. First off I am a MOM so I understand where are the mothers commenting are coming from. And for the mothers I have to say. It does not last forever. Its too hard a job to do. But eventually the kids become independent of you. You get your freedom back. Life will give you choices after the kids are what 15-20 years old.
I have felt the way many of the mothers feel. When my child was very little. I had such heavy regret for having my baby. The reality was very different to my romantic or ill thought ideas about motherhood. The short cut is. I hung in there, yes there where lots of times I counted how many more years it would be before I got my freedom back. YES! I have my freedom now. And boy I am so happy. I am 41 years old. My child is 20. I feel free and independent. MOTHERS YOU WILL BE FREE eventually. That side, I think this site is fanastic truly. Four of my best girlfriends are childfree, and we respect each other enomorously. Now my kid is grown up, I have encouraged them to considered childfreenes, and consider carefully the reality of parenthood. Finally before I go, it does not have to be a battle field between parents and the childfree, just respect for the differences. Also to the moms, make sure you have a life outside of parenting, and friends outside of parenting. Take a hobby (that is not child centred) build a career there are opportunities out there if you are willing to look. As for my childfree sistas you rock! and your reality smart, it takes bravery real courage to walk the path less travelled. Love to you all. x

Well, I have to say that I do feel sorry for some ...

2008-01-01T17:42:00.000-07:00

Well, I have to say that I do feel sorry for some of them and the reason is because I am one of them. I have been desperately searching the web tonight trying to find anything that might make me feel better about hating motherhood. Something to make me feel better about wanting to give my kids to their father and just disappear for a year.

I'm angry that the world doesnt better prepare girls for how awful motherhood can be. This site is great but how are we reaching those before their at the age of making such an uneducated decision.

I was one of those girls. I had crazier things to deal with in order to survive than to ponder the thought of what degree i would get and the possibility of NOT having children. I was under this blanket of false misrepresentation of girl = woman = mother and never really felt there was anything else to choose from. Then I had kids, realized the father was a slacker so I needed to go back to school, and then I feel my education smacked me into reality. I feel i have been duped by societal messages, poor parenting, and lack of quality education for ALL. When i said education, i mean educating about life decisions and the consequences of these decisions. I would even like to take things a step further and suggest the thought of population control, because it IS unfair that children are being born to people who hate their parental responsibilites let alone the real eff-ups out their conceiving. There should be thorough testing done on individuals that want to have children. There are so many people out there that are willing and more capable.

I can go on forever tonight, but i want to say that i can see where everyone is coming from in their lack of compassion for those of us who made the CHOICE and now we should "lay in our beds", but it does hurt my feelings because its not so black and white. Not at all.

yeah, I love browsing the TMC site too. at first I...

2007-09-14T04:36:00.000-07:00

yeah, I love browsing the TMC site too. at first I felt some sympathy for the women, but the more I read on, the more I despise them. they're just begging for it. *sigh*

I have a really hard time feeling bad for these wo...

2007-08-20T09:48:00.000-07:00

I have a really hard time feeling bad for these women. Like cfhistorian said, almost all of them KNEW they had a CHOICE beforehand, and instead of maybe researching, spending large amounts of time with children, speaking honestly to other parents, and thinking about how their lives would change with additional people, they just said "Well if I don't do it now, I never will", "my children will be different", or some such nonsense and made an irreversable decision that they now half heartedly and regretfully must live through.

Thing with me is, I probably wouldn't even love my...

2007-08-20T09:45:00.000-07:00

Thing with me is, I probably wouldn't even love my kids. They'd represent to me the miserable hell my life has become. I know it wouldn't be their fault, but you can't mask that kind of resentment. Thank goodness for contraceptives.

Holy shit, I just read this one: "Just a little PS...

2007-08-19T09:19:00.000-07:00

Holy shit, I just read this one: "Just a little PSA... If you nurse your baby while driving, you can do serious damage to the baby if you get in an accident. I used to do it too, then I learned better." Uh, DUH!!! Ya think? W! T! F? Is this so commonplace that the mommies are self-policing and warning others about it? Jeezus. How about PULLING THE FUCK OVER and giving the kid 5-10 min. of titty, thus avoiding "serious damage to the baby" and, of course, maybe not killing or maiming others--I see concern for THAT was omitted, as usual.

Great post...I've been meaning to check out the "T...

2007-08-18T13:57:00.000-07:00

Great post...I've been meaning to check out the "TMC" website, but my desire for a good trainwreck just hasn't been that strong lately. I guess that means I have too many better CF things to do, like watching interesting (and most certainly not "famblee-friendly") TV, getting tattooed, reading Stephen King novels, and generally enjoying life in this brief period between the end of my summer job (incidentally, it was as a summer camp counselor!) and the start of the new semester (I'm a grad student and will soon be busting my ass learning again!).

Seriously, though, part of me does feel so bad for those woman...but then I think about the fact that they did have a choice, and they acknowledge that fact in their comments. Who would it have hurt for them not to have had children, or at the very least, delay having them until they were absolutely sure they no longer wanted a more carefree existence? NO ONE. Now, they've reproduced, and while they whine about lack of sleep, sex, and relaxation, their kids suffer. Regardless of what the fundies tell you, no one is hurt when they aren't born. And for women to bring children into the world because they mistakenly believed it would fulfill them is just plain tragic.