Comments on Childfree Clique: And Baby Makes...Mommy Unrecognizable.

Wow, there appears to be quite a lot of dislike fo...

2011-07-19T14:11:07.968-07:00

Wow, there appears to be quite a lot of dislike for anyone who has kids, (just the ones who have them in stupid situations) erm does anyone have ANY positive stories of people having kids with someone who isn't an asshole, weak, stupid, a cretin, emotionally unstable? And being able to remain friends with the person or is that it - my friend has a child = nothing in common anymore.

It's true, having kids changes a lot of people...

2010-04-20T14:39:05.980-07:00

It's true, having kids changes a lot of people. The worst part is when deep inside they KNOW it was an enormous mistake but don't have guts enough to admit it to themselves. Like calling an accidental pregnancy a "surprise" as in "Oh no, little Jimmy wasn't a mistake, he was a surprise!" Like wrecking your car is a surprise but infinitely worse.

It happened to my husband, his BFF's wife had ...

2010-02-14T23:04:38.079-07:00

It happened to my husband, his BFF's wife had a baby and all of the sudden they became totally different people. And they got it in their heads that instead of hanging out like we used to we'd enjoy going over there and sitting on the couch watching TV and staring at the drooling sprog. We RSVP'd "No" to the christening (why would we want to attend that shit? save it for the family) and that made him go threw the roof bananas and he kept attemping to start fights with me all over facebook. All because I think he was jealous. He never wanted kids she talked him into it. We go on vacation and he goes and buys daipers boo fucking hoo. He's also mad because we don't plan on having a kid for like 6 more yrs if ever and I also commented that when/ if we do I don't plan on waving it around on facebook like some sort of fuck trophy. At this point in my life I'm not all about babies, they are. My husband broke off the friendship when the creepy facebook shit started. I believe in karma and his going on the attack after me really upset & freaked me out. Shortly after, his wife (who looks like the offspring of a porpoise and horse) found out she was knocked up yet again. I laughed my ass off when I found out. She is a SAHM and they are broke as is. That's karma enough for me. Oh, his wife gets offended when I use the term "knocked up" what's up with that? I have another friend with a kid who doesn't she even said "hey it is what it is" when asked if it was offensive. Ex-bff's wife preferes the term "with child", for someone who did a lot of wild shit back in college including multiple bi-sexual romps and getting her teeth knocked out in a bar fight the fact that "knocked up" now offends her greatly puzzles me lol

CF Chick said: "Brutal honesty isn't alw...

2010-01-28T23:21:35.972-07:00

CF Chick said:

"Brutal honesty isn't always pretty but childfree people are some of the most hardcore realists you'll ever encounter and most of us appreciate the truth about how horrible the parenting experience can be, misery wanting company, regret, etc. At least I do."

Oh, how I dread posting here. This is a wonderful blog to read; I just know that CF Chick hates my comments. I am adamantly CF and tell people so. CF Chick is awesomely proud of her lifestyle and doesn't wither in the face of criticism, which you can only respect. So I don't want this to go badly even though it will.

But seriously, when "The woman formerly known as [your] BFF" first got pregnant I said this would happen (see http://www.childfreeclique.com/2009/02/sad-news-baby-on-board.html#disqus_thread - I am Anonymous). But you didn't want to be a 'hardcore realist' back then and just hid behind blind hope. I thought that was "the difference between us and them?"

Consider someone like Ambi. You could have been a good friend to her and warned her about parenthood. Or even better, you could have ended your relationship at the high point without going through all this crap and frustration. Though I admit that I love the posts it has generated here.

Anyway you are going to chew me out, delete my comment or whatever but I'll still gonna read your site and love it. I honestly am not trying to troll (though a post saying "I was right and you were wrong" probably falls under "if you don't have anything nice to say ...")

"But I'm not going to stop supporting someone I have had a beautiful friendship with, who has supported me thru EVERY hardship I've had the past few years because she's having a baby."

Still seem true NOW, CF Chick?

I actually can't hang around my friends anymor...

2010-01-25T13:41:00.033-07:00

I actually can't hang around my friends anymore that have children. It's not me, it's them!

I know they'll grow their brains back once their kids are in school and might then resemble the people I once knew, but it's the constant: "motherhood is so fulfilling, it's the most important thing a woman can ever do" and "when are you going to settle down? I know you're only 25 but your fertility had already peaked at 22" or "you don't mean it when you say you don't want children...just hold my baby, THEN you'll get broody" (which is totally not true. Apart from chosing not having children in my life, I suffer from tokophobia and even holding anything resembling a newborn makes me feel sick. I wouldn't see one of my friends in her third trimester because I couldn't bare to look at her).

It's a constant barrage of cliches! These are people that have known me since I was a child, and apparently don't know me at all! I don't make comments about their life-choices, but they think that their way is the only way - so much for living in an enlightened age! So much for a woman being free to make choices!

Thank goodness I have a wider circle of friends (men, and people over forty) that keep me sane.

I have one piece of advice: if you feel pressured to do something by your friends, then they're not your friends, and the world is big enough to find more openminded people to spend your time with.

Oh, and to Ambi - I was moved by your comments. I can't imagine how hard life must be for you. Don't feel bad about loving your husband more than your kids. Don't worry - they'll grow up really soon. And don't feel like an asshole about how you feel - what would be worse is if you lied to yourself about how you felt, supressed your feelings and subconsciously took it out on your children.
Have you thought about boarding school? I'm not being mean - I wish I had been sent to one because my childhood was not happy - my parents lived "the lie of happy parenthood". you sound like you're doing a great job, at it - you're children aren't suffering. Boarding school might offer you a break and give your children the greatest thing in the world - a good education. It might also help prevent resentment in later years, and you could really develop a different, positive, relationship with your children that way. My friends that went away to school have much better relationships with their folks than those that didn't.
Just make sure than when your children are adults, you are honest with them about how you felt so they can make an informed decision about parenthood. Parents and children are just people with similar genetics, remember that. How would you feel in 30 years time, one of them on the verge of becoming a parent and feeling like they've made a mistake that they couldn't undo? They may feel the same way you do.

Sometimes the most important things you have to say are to the people you find hardest telling.

Just waving "hi" so you know that you...

2010-01-21T11:00:17.770-07:00

Just waving "hi" so you know that you're not alone.

I have less and less friends because they turn into someone else totally totally different. Not an ever-evolving off-shoot of their non-mom selves, you know half mom and half the viable person you used to know, a totally diffrent regression into 'true woman'=mom.

I guess this is how the population keeps going on, because if breeders were logical, they would be CF in a NY minute. Or decent parents....

Ambi, thanks for posting your story. Your words ev...

2010-01-17T13:22:20.288-07:00

Ambi, thanks for posting your story. Your words evoke a feeling of asphyxiation that is almost unbearable to imagine. It's like reading a page straight out of my nightmares. I feel so sorry that you couldn't master your curiosity, because it's eminently possible for an intelligent woman like you to overcome curiosity when your future is at stake. But sometimes, even though you know the flame is hot, you have to touch it anyway, just to reach a visceral understanding of what you already know.

How sad that there is no going back from this experiment. I hope you come to peace with your decision someday.

At least you have the courage to speak honestly about your regrets, and you definitely sound like a PNB (Parent, Not Breeder) who is probably raising a couple of intelligent, thoughtful, decent human beings.

Your husband sounds like a decent guy, too. I'd suggest talking honestly with him about how you feel about your kids, as you'll probably find that he'll commiserate with you, and you can support each other through this better if you're open about it.

You've taken the first step in breaking the taboo by admitting to yourself that having children is not something you really wanted. Follow through on it by talking to your husband, facing the various negative thoughts and feelings you have toward the situation, and accepting that you have to live with your decision, but can make the best of it. (Which, to be clear, it sounds like you are already doing; you just don't seem to have fully confronted/accepted your regret, and it's obviously causing you some psychological distress.)

At any rate, you have my sympathies and admiration. Good luck.

RedDollShoes: Did I read correctly your friend who...

2010-01-13T02:16:13.444-07:00

RedDollShoes: Did I read correctly your friend who has obviously given up on life, is on welfare, imprisoned with 3 kids, walks around in a bath robe and watches soap operas all day is try for a 4th Child????!!!!

Sweet baby Jesus in the manger with his fist balled up,
(((( Why???!!! )))))) I can't believe in the 21st century women are doing this to themselves. It's ask if she's decided 'fuck it, being a human with options and choices is too hard. I know I'll just become a farm animal and breed as if its something that "Just" happens'. This is depressing. Staying in contact with her will suck the life out of you. Hell reading about her exhausted me!

Waving to CFChick! I'll have to e-mail you ...

2010-01-12T09:02:45.575-07:00

*Waving to CFChick!* I'll have to e-mail you soon!

I'm so sorry that things became progressively worse between you and your BFF (former?). I hope things get better for your friend and that she'll come back to the real world and SNAP OUT OF IT!! I wish I were there to give you a big ol' CF hug, but I'll have to do it from afar ((((((((CF HUG!)))))

This has already happened to a few friends of my husbands. They have had kids and are definitely different. Their FB profile pictures are of their kids or with them holding the kid and though (maybe with them) they haven't completely lost themselves, their lives are 99% kid, 1% about them. We hardly hear from these friends and will most likely not see them any time soon. One set of friends did invite us to the baby shower, but we declined. No fucking way was I ever going to another baby shower, especially now in my staunch CF-ness. (Yes, that's a word! LOL)

One friend of my husband's, during her single without kids days, used to travel the world, take pictures of various sights, and would then put those pics together and make a SLAMMIN' calendar each year that she would send to us for free. Then she got married, got knocked up and had the brat. The very last calendar we received from her was 12 MONTHS OF PICS OF HER KID. She even put the kid's name, weight and length at birth on there. I mean, REALLY? We never did put up that calendar; in fact, we threw it away. We never heard from her again after that, and I believe she had another kid. Really sad situations that people allow themselves to be put in, especially women and having kids.

Something similar to this happened to me a few yea...

2010-01-12T01:56:59.204-07:00

Something similar to this happened to me a few years ago. I had a BFF whom I met when we were both waitressing at this high-end, shit-pay, highschool-minded place. She and I were the only two women there who were intelligent and not shallow, so we clicked right away. I was a virgin at the time and she introduced me to this hot older man who was a photographer and he later wound up busting my cherry. I called her right afterwards, all freaked out that a gust of air flew out of my snatch after the sex (I was unfamiliar with queefing at the time). We used to hang out, share bottles of wine, watch movies (I was also working at a Blockbuster at the time), and dish about everything under the sun.

Now she's married to this verbally abusive asshole, on several medications, on welfare, and has three kids and currently trying for the fourth one. She's a whole different person.

We tried staying friends, but she won't leave her house, so our visits consisted of me going over there and watching soaps with her (she never watched those before she got married), watching her yell at her kids and clean up their messes and feed them terrible food, and just staring at her in her grungy bathrobe. I don't think I've seen her in a full outfit in years. Our phone conversations are just her yelling at her kids every five seconds and then me uncomfortably telling her I'm busy or something and that I'll talk to her later.

[Pt2] A lot of the treatment I got from my mom was...

2010-01-11T22:19:33.133-07:00

[Pt2] A lot of the treatment I got from my mom was because of her resentment & regret {not to mention I'm the spitting image of my fater} but she could have spared her children emotional damage, the strained relationship and a lot of pain especially with her daughters if she sat us down and explained to us how she felt and why, instead its after the damage was done and we got away from her that we understood and eventually had to accept why the things were the way they were.

I've always been proud to say my mother NEVER once bothered me about having children her goal for me, her youngest child and daughter was an education. Out of her 3 children only one of us have kids and that's the oldest (my sister, who pissed my mother off when she was pregnant with her 3rd and last. Mind you my sister was a grown woman with a husband and my mother had 3 kids as well, but she said she didn't have my sister just so she could have babies! Loved that) My brother who is an eligible, handsome (Morris Chestnut look-a-like) highly sought after bachelor is in his early 40's he loves kids but doesn't want any of his own. I have played with the thought just to envision what it would be like and though I'm a sucker for a cute chubby baby, the thought of having one of my own leaves me feeling aphyxsiated. Ambi, I would be feeling just like you if I ever conned myself into having kids. Reading your post sounds like my voice should I had decided to go through with my pregnancy.

My mother died a year ago yesterday and in many ways she was ahead of her time. While my sister and I beared the brunt of her animosity she also made it clear to us that a woman MUST have self preservation and Ain't nothing WRONG with looking out for self, She taught us not to compromise our freedom and self respect for a man and his riches or desperation to be or remain in a relationship, she was a firm believer that a woman must have her own. My mother would roll over in her grave if she thought I settled for having babies, relying on a man for my livlihood and staying at home. Flaws and all I miss her & thank her for the lessons she taught. You use this as an outlet so not to take it out on the kids but I think its necessary that parents stop sugar coating and coddling kids about what it means to be a parent enough of the cliche's about how its all worth it and it was a blessing. They should know when they are old enough that it's not all peaches and cream and how drastically their life will change.... . Maybe you can prevent them from having to find out the hard way! *sorry for the long post*

@Ambi: I want to THANK YOU from the bottom of my h...

2010-01-11T22:19:00.195-07:00

@Ambi: I want to THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart for sharing your story. See, I suspected a long time ago my mother regretted having children there were so many tell tale signs and actions. For one how she would lock herself in her room for days at a time. My mother resented us and I knew this even as the youngest child (there were 3 of us). My mom did what she had to for her kids but rarely went beyond what was required. She pushed us away a lot especially her daughters, she had scathing words for us and a long list I won't get into. BUT I understood as I became a woman and started taking inventory of all the other women I grew up around in my neighborhood and seeing the sacrifices they made, the shit they put up with, how the life was sucked out of beautiful women all because they were TRAPPED by having kids for men who soon lost interest in them and their kids. While my mother inflicted a slew of emotional wounds that came to head when I turned 30, there's always been a part of me that was a WOMAN even when I was still in training bras. For instance, I never took offense to knowing that my mother considered having an abortion when she was pregnant with me. She already had 2 kids who were privileged enough to have nannies on the island but she found out what it was really like raising a child when she had me in U.S with no friends or family just with my father, her new husband who was like a rolling stone. She had and abortion after my birth in '73 still prior to Roe vs Wade ruling that resulted in a botched procedure that prevented her from not having anymore children. She said she never regretted it and refused to be trapped with a house full of kids husband or not. I understood. When I found myself pregnant as a teen, hearing the nurse say the test was positive, how I felt that day is still fresh in my mind over 15 years later. My life flashed before my eyes and that Romeo and Juliett shit I had going on with my boyfriend who already dropped out of high school came to a screeching halt. I knew INSTANTLY that I was going to terminate the pregnancy without a doubt and by any means necessary. I envisioned being a drop out, on welfare, stuck with a dude doing menial jobs and probably having a few other kids at my ankle while slaving over a hot stove...HONEY THAT IS MY IDEA OF HELL!!! I never regretted making that decision. [pt.1]

2010-01-11T21:42:43.488-07:00

This comment has been removed by the author.

@Ambi: I want to THANK YOU from the bottom of my h...

2010-01-11T21:41:41.380-07:00

Well God damn someone had their breeding uterus ha...

2010-01-11T21:24:50.362-07:00

Well God damn someone had their breeding uterus handed to them! Referencing Childfree Chick going in on HawkMom. Hell the disclaimer alone should deter breeders and pronatalist from this site but NOOOOO they try and try. She should still be recovering from that verbal enema. ((( Ouch!!! ))) But damn it bitch [in the good sense of the word] if you didn't break it down with the glare of reality for Ms. STAHM advocate. Yep, people who value good work ethics and are about their business most definitely prefer childfree employees unless they too are breeders or sympathizers that feel having a kid means you get a pass on slacking. I so HEART this blog!!!!

2010-01-11T20:30:18.721-07:00

This comment has been removed by the author.

"Also, when talking about welfare and how you...

2010-01-10T10:22:28.320-07:00

"Also, when talking about welfare and how you're "not a fan", you remind me so much of the people who come to Planned Parenthood for an abortion while saying they are "totally against abortion under normal circumstances", but somehow think THEIR circumstances are privileged. Like "Oh, I'm against welfare for THOSE people (read- everyone but ME) but if I ever need it, I'm taking every cent I can get."

thanks for this :)
Everyday I become increasingly attuned to the fact that not too many people can face reality starkly in its face. It's always nice to meet someone, particularly a fellow woman, who can!

Hawk Mom- 1.) I'm not publishing your last c...

2010-01-09T21:37:56.798-07:00

Hawk Mom-

1.) I'm not publishing your last comment. This is not a place for you to ramble on about your life or to take me to task for my POV. No one judged you in the other post when you talked about being a SAHM so let's not play the martyr. If you didn't want to know what I thought about the specifics you posted here, you shouldn't have presented your shit here and asked for a critique. *shrugs*

2.) Seeing as though I'm losing my best friend to her idiotic mindset over this, I'd say it's safe to assume that YEAH this is a sore spot for me and my tolerance is low. The wound her stupidity caused is still wide open and bleeding for me. I'm saying to you what I can't say to her and yes, it's dripping with bitterness.

3.) The welfare comment is hypocritical because you claim to not agree with it but yet would use it if you needed it. I don't see what's hard to understand here.

4.) I know it's tempting to try to paint every employed person who isn't rich into the same economically insecure light as SAHM's and really I'm not surprised you'd use that tactic but no, we're not all going to be in the same position if we lose a job versus a SAHM having a bread winner become MIA because he's sick of his marriage & family being a drag.

Not to say that employed women aren't vulnerable but specifically speaking of a childfree person like myself, there are some definite differences.

If we're looking at how tough it would be to re-enter the job market, one of us is going to have it a lot harder in the face of picky employers. The job market is a buyers market, the employer has the upper hand. Read a few surveys on how mothers are 100% less likely to be hired than childless women with the same resume and how employers purposely pay mothers WAY less cash than childless women due to the "mommy tax"

Having children is the single biggest predictor of financial ruin for women. One of us is clearly going to have it harder than the other when it comes to making ends meet. Read up on how mothers are way more likely to have to file bankruptcy, are 80% more at risk for poverty than non-mothers, and lose what's been estimated as one million dollars in wages from not working.

Some of us have stock options, a severance package, access to unemployment benefits, a 401k to raid if need be, and actual wages that we've worked for and saved. (Oh and that strong work history to give us a leg up). A SAHM who's out of touch with the new developments in her former career, has a dated skill set, and has only socked away a few dollars here and there is on much shakier ground due to her choices...and with children there's only so much budget cutting you can do.

Call me self-righteous, and condescending all you want but I've made myself a subject matter expert on a lot of this by reading/studying and I know how much better off I'll be if I lose my job compared to your average SAHM who hasn't worked in years and talks about having to go to a shelter in the event the hubby goes AWOL.

You and I are not facing the same obstacles. Not by a long shot. And even if we were, I'd much rather befall a job loss predicated on my desire to be independent than befall the loss of a breadwinner, predicated on my desire to be taken care of by a man.

Lastly, I don't need to defend my "liberal" title to you. I don't advocate women being childlike and financially needy into adulthood. You can call dependency a "choice" if you'd like, but when that "choice" actively dis-empowers women, limits what they can do in life, and has the potential to keep them in undesirable situations for the long term, NO, I do not support it.

You're entitled to your opinion, obviously. Th...

2010-01-09T19:33:40.788-07:00

You're entitled to your opinion, obviously. This is your blog after all, but you come off as quite condescending, in your reply, while making a lot of assumptions.. You also seem a bit hostile. I don't post here to make trouble. I actually agree with a lot of what you say, and respect and support the CF lifestyle. I thought it was just a blog.. If it's a rant type of thing, then I'll gladly back away slowly. I just find it odd that I haven't provoked you in the least bit, and I get this kind of response. If I'm going to be insulted for simply choosing a different path in life, I'll respect your blog and stop coming here., though.

You assume that I'm delusional about picking up where I left off. I never said anything about picking up where I left off. I'm looking at a new field one day, and the extra work that comes with that. However, I still keep in contact with some of my old co-workers (including the guy in charge) and that industry is more about who you know. If I wanted to go back down that road, I could. It wouldn't be the same - just enough to get my feet wet - but that's okay with me. Why does this draw so much ire from you?

You were quick to make another assumption, while insulting me as well. No I'm not a fan of *taxpayer-funded* social programs. I think the needs of the poor and disenfranchised should be addressed by churches and private charities. I'm an atheist, and I openly donate to both. I name churches, because they don't pay taxes and many have millions that could be going into their own communities instead of providing the pastors with mansions and luxury cars. How is this hypocritical of me? Because I think more people could be served more effectively by their own communities than by some Washington-based bureaucrat who continues to sign off on our currently failing system?

And about the going to a shelter. It's called contingency. How is that a problem? I don't plan on having to do that, but if I had to do it I would. I might actually be more secure than the average single, career woman, though. The military requires him to provide for our daughter, to the point of garnishing his pay. If he leaves me for another woman, he could be court martialed for adultery. Most women don't press charges, though, because it effects the men's career and rank (i.e. money). And obviously, if he dies, we will be well taken care of financially from the large settlement - at least until I find a job of some sort to keep myself busy. There are gainfully-employed people in homeless shelters right now for a myriad of reasons, too. That's wonderful that you have a good job that pays well. Seriously, no sarcasm. But like most working Americans, unless you have a Suze Orman-recommended stash of savings somewhere, you're no better off than the SAHMs you resent if you're unexpectedly handed a pink slip on the whims of your employer. You've described yourself as a "liberal" before, but there is nothing liberal about bashing women who don't make the same choices in life as you. My apologies if this sounds harsh, because it's not my intention. Just an observation I've made over a period from many who identify under that label.

I never wanted to get married or have children, because I thought it would take away my freedom. I've temporarily lost *some* freedoms during this stage, but I'll gradually get those back as HawkBaby gets older. I do enjoy this, though. Go figure. Is it really that hard to imagine someone could? To each her own, I suppose.

Wow. You sound a lot like the women in the book &q...

2010-01-09T17:47:17.623-07:00

Wow. You sound a lot like the women in the book "The Feminine Mistake" if I can be quite honest with you.

The "I had a career and can have one again" argument is a faulty assumption many women make and "The Feminine Mistake" REALLY opened my eyes to that.

Methinks you need to go check it out at the library.

Contrary to the entitled, illogical assumption that so many SAHM's seem to have- employers are not pining away to "give you your career back" at the moment you decide you need it again. Especially in a soft economy. There will not be anyone at the door of a big corporation telling all of the downtrodden SAHM's who took a gamble and lost: "Thank goodness you're back, we've been waiting to hire you for years!!!" when they decide they need to start working again.

My friend is under this same delusion. I'll tell you like I would tell her- If you want to believe you can just pick up where you left off after years of not working, and think the demand will be high for your services, you keep on believing that and don't bother to look at the evidence. The evidence will only disrupt your delusion and we know how inconvenient that tends to be.

I know this is going to come off rude but seriously, in one breath you say , "Being dependent on my husband for income isn't as scary as it may seem", and in the next breath you are talking about "staying in a shelter and going on welfare" if he were to leave you.

Like...seriously? I don't even know what to type right now, it's so mind-blowing.

Also, when talking about welfare and how you're "not a fan", you remind me so much of the people who come to Planned Parenthood for an abortion while saying they are "totally against abortion under normal circumstances:" but somehow think THEIR circumstances are privileged. Like "Oh, I'm against welfare for THOSE people (read- everyone but ME) but if I ever need it, I'm taking every cent I can get."

I think that's really hypocritical honestly.

You asked what I think so there it is. I can't look at anyone who goes into the SAHM gig under risky circumstances where a man's whims and choices are the determining factor in whether or not a woman and her kids have food or shelter tomorrow.

Sorry, I don't co sign that kind of dependency so if you're looking for validation, I don't have that to offer you.

I really don't understand how women can talk about "options" while simultaneously limiting their own by choosing to depend on a man for everything.

The only SAHM's with REAL "options" are the ones with their own money who will easily whether (in a financial sense) the death or divorce from their spouse.

Is this what you think of all SAHM's or a cert...

2010-01-09T15:55:21.371-07:00

Is this what you think of all SAHM's or a certain demographic?

It really depends. I had a career before and I can have it again. I still put money aside into my own savings and checking accounts (we have both separate and joint accounts). If he were to become abusive or leave me, I would stay in a shelter or use my savings to get an apartment or hotel room and/or collect on welfare and WIC for a few weeks or a few months until I had enough money saved from whatever job I found to help give us a new start. Also, there's subsidized childcare if she weren't school age yet. I'm not a big fan of taxpayer-funded social programs, but I would put my pride aside to take care of my child. Being dependent on my husband for income isn't as scary as it may seem. Also, the military requires him to financially support our daughter no matter what. We all have options - or at least we all should. Is that what you're getting at?

Wow, more brilliant, hilarious and insightful comm...

2010-01-09T15:05:40.258-07:00

Wow, more brilliant, hilarious and insightful comments every time I turn around!

Some of these I had to read two and three times because they're so profoundly brilliant and poetic. LOL!

Also, reading these is an indication of what an epidemic this seems to be. Society perpetuates this myth that motherhood makes you more reasonable, cautious, better at decision making/critical thinking, etc. but umm clearly our collective experiences shoot that theory to shit. Many, many of us have seen people devolve into less logical, less independent, less critically thinking individuals after the shitstorm of parenthood.

Ambi- I appreciate the honesty and as patronizing as it may sound, we all need to hear more of these sentiments. Brutal honesty isn't always pretty but childfree people are some of the most hardcore realists you'll ever encounter and most of us appreciate the truth about how horrible the parenting experience can be, misery wanting company, regret, etc. At least I do. We both get something from your candor- you get it all of your chest and we have our suspicions and fears about parenthood confirmed which is hard to come by in this pro-natalist society.

Oh god. You poor, poor thing. It's official...

2010-01-09T15:05:28.977-07:00

Oh god.

You poor, poor thing.

It's official: Placenta brain is contagious. She's become a slave of the Collective. Run for the hills or you'll become one too!

I think I'm the only one among the group of about 9 girls I hung out with in high school who hasn't dropped a crotchfruit or two yet. And I'm 21. That comment about the 1950s made me rage just reading it.

I already knew I was childfree by the time I was 14. One of my close friends, 18 at the time, managed to get knocked up by a 15 year old. She told me she wanted to stay at home and raise the kid after high school and live on her boyfriend's salary. She has both parents ready and willing to take care of her kid (they're both retired). Our friendship pretty much crumbled from the get-go. Three years later, her sister went and did the exact same thing, but at age 16.

I can say, with verifiable evidence, that getting knocked up spawns a second placenta in your head. As the pregnancy goes on, it attaches to your brain like a parasite and leeches all your gray matter until you turn into a placenta-powered mommy zombie.

You're not alone. At 27, the majority of my fe...

2010-01-08T20:03:22.443-07:00

You're not alone. At 27, the majority of my female friends are now either mothers, pregnant, or planning to be.

An old friend of mine is about to have her first kid, and I've been thinking about her a lot. She's someone I have never imagined as a mother--she's an emotionally unstable, self-absorbed, insecure woman who has drifted from obsession to obsession in life. Despite this (who's perfect? I'm certainly no better), she was a good friend, once--an intelligent, opinionated person. But apparently she decided to seek emotional fulfillment and security by having children, despite not being financially or emotionally independent. I have no idea who she's become, but I have a feeling that after the baby is born, she's going to realize that this infatuation with motherhood didn't "fix" or "complete" her. Too late, of course. And unlike her previous obsessions, she can't just walk away from it when she inevitably gets bored.

Even if this woman ends up being humbled by parenthood and learns some Important Life Lessons (TM), it's still sickening to me that a child will have to be the tool to teach an adult to grow up. And it's pathetic that our culture celebrates this all-too-often truism. What the fuck? Since when have we collectively decided to give up trying to become better people on our own, and instead decided to breed life lessons for ourselves? Why are all of those self-congratulating Humbled Parents (TM) so damn *proud* of being so weak-willed and ignorant that their children are the greatest catalyst of their personal growth? What happened to self-examination, independent inquiry, soul-searching? These people are too afraid to look into mirrors anymore and confront their decisions: they'd rather breed a MiniMe to reflect their own image back at themselves, and then smother it with love and approval, vicariously patting themselves on the back and validating their own lives.

What happened to my female friends? It's depressing. I miss them. These breeder-brained cows aren't the girls I used to know.

Meh.

Continued from previous comment... My mom was a c...

2010-01-08T18:35:34.619-07:00

Continued from previous comment...

My mom was a crappy mom and I never realized that until I became a mom and realized how much she sucked at it. She never pressured me to have kids but assured me about how much I'd love it. I'm sure she loved laying on her ass in bed all day using me as her personal servant to fetch her things, at her beck and call. My parents barely made an effort at parenting so no wonder I had no idea how hard it was.

I am jealous of childfree people, especially my grad school peers. I am VERY good at my job but I think about how much harder I have to work than everyone else (I know, not their fault, MY fault!) and I fantasize about the career I could have if childless. I'm pretty sure I love my husband more than my children. But that only makes sense because I've loved him for so much longer and (SELFISH!) I actually get something in return from him! Plus, I got to choose him, he's easy to love, and he doesn't cause me inordinate amounts of pain/annoyance/suffering/inconvenience/etc. Don't get me wrong, I love them in a visceral primal biological way, but falling in love with them intellectually often takes effort.

Other people think my children are delightful and we are DAMN good parents, get comments about that all the time. But holy shit if I had it to do over I don't think I would have had kids, because being a DAMN good parent to my particular set of kids is so fucking hard I can't even see straight. The crappy part is that there was no way I could have known that without having them. Also, I reluctantly tried being a SAHM for two years and it was HELL. I was so bored/stressed/poor/unstimulated/overworked/lobotomized - I was a living oxymoron. Work is an oasis. I adore work. I am a real grown-up normal person at work. Except when the preschool calls to tell me that I need to drive down there because my son refuses to wipe his own ass. I'm sorry I even told you that.

I am hoping optimistically that someday this will pay off and I do see that it's getting easier as they get older. I think I will be happy I did it someday in the future. Or maybe I'll just tell myself that so that I can live with the choices we made while desperately trying not to fuck up our kids in the process.

I want to offer you a sincere and heartfelt thank you for speaking out and for your honesty and for contributing to society by cheering for a different lifestyle. I wish I could have known about all this a few years ago. The sad thing is, I don't think I would have been convinced anyway. I respect and honor your viewpoints so much, and I want to give you my support. I try to do my part by not bringing up the topic of kids with childless people and by openly encouraging the females who express doubts about breeding.

Now my 4 year old just came down the stairs from a nap looking totally cute and innocent and I feel like such an asshole, like I want to cry. He was a jerk when he was 2-3 but now he's such a sweetheart. I hope he never knows that I feel this way, he doesn't deserve this, he's just a kid. I could say much more, but there's no one to say it to and I've said enough already. God, I wish there was someone who understood me. Thanks for listening.

Comments on Childfree Clique: And Baby Makes...Mommy Unrecognizable.

Wow, there appears to be quite a lot of dislike fo...

It's true, having kids changes a lot of people...

It happened to my husband, his BFF's wife had ...

CF Chick said: "Brutal honesty isn't alw...

I actually can't hang around my friends anymor...

Just waving "hi" so you know that you...

Ambi, thanks for posting your story. Your words ev...

RedDollShoes: Did I read correctly your friend who...

*Waving to CFChick!* I'll have to e-mail you ...

Something similar to this happened to me a few yea...

[Pt2] A lot of the treatment I got from my mom was...

@Ambi: I want to THANK YOU from the bottom of my h...

@Ambi: I want to THANK YOU from the bottom of my h...

Well God damn someone had their breeding uterus ha...

"Also, when talking about welfare and how you...

Hawk Mom- 1.) I'm not publishing your last c...

You're entitled to your opinion, obviously. Th...

Wow. You sound a lot like the women in the book &q...

Is this what you think of all SAHM's or a cert...

Wow, more brilliant, hilarious and insightful comm...

Oh god. You poor, poor thing. It's official...

You're not alone. At 27, the majority of my fe...

Continued from previous comment... My mom was a c...

Waving to CFChick! I'll have to e-mail you ...