Comments on Childfree Clique: Keeping Potential Parents At Arm's Length...?

Well, I've had the experience of cool, fun bes...

2012-01-26T21:01:43.327-07:00

Well, I've had the experience of cool, fun best friend turning into self-righteous judgemental mombie (complete with out of control demonspawn), and it sucked major ass - at this point, when I look at my closest friends, I have to say that they're almost all male. With that said, I'd still give your potential BFF the benefit of the doubt. You also didn't mention her relationship status - is she married/partnered and trying to get pregnant, or is she single/dating and thinking that kids are something she wants down the road. It's one thing if she's discussing conception and childrearing at all times, and quite another if it's just something she's brought up in passing. You enjoy spending time with her, so keep cultivating the friendship and don't expect the worst unless it happens.

I don't know if I agree with ditching a friend...

2011-03-02T19:27:39.819-07:00

I don't know if I agree with ditching a friend just because she wants kids. Yes, your friendship will change, but we have to put up with our friends changing in other ways. I don't have any friends who are always around to hang out with me when I want. So if the reason they can't hang out is a kid or a previous engagement, what difference does it make? I have other friends. Yes, I am CF by choice at 36.

I will write nothing less than my honest opion and...

2010-06-12T16:35:14.208-07:00

I will write nothing less than my honest opion and the first thing that crossed my mind when I read your post. Caution: rocky road ahead! You should be very, VERY wary of this woman.... I don't care how nice she is to you or how much you have in common with her. She is talking about having children in the near future. Periods. There's a 9 out of 10 chance you are going to get hurt.

I am worried she uses you to fill in her free time until she meets her husband and starts her happy little family. I am not in the least implying she is doing this on purpose. I am positive she is not 'using' you consciously, but to me she IS a woman in 'waiting mode'. She needs a good BFF to spend her bachelorette days with. What will happen to your friendship once she is a mother? Right: God knows.

After rereading what I have wrote down, I realize I sound pretty bitter. I do apologize if my post sounds blunt. I have been through too much shit because of childbearing people. I have been very hurt before by them. I learned a long time ago people are hardwired when it comes to having kids, so I simply do not believe in this magical miracle of people seeing the light and -OMG- CHAAAANGE!!! If y'all were 22 I'd probably wouldn't be so stern, but she's 32. Most women know what they want once they've approached their 30s: they either want to start a family or they don't. They want to start having babies or they don't. Your friend doesn't sound like your typical everyday moo. She's smart. She must have reflected upon her life choices over and over.

Again, I apoligize to be so negative, but I have simply seen too much good friendships and good relationships die over this baby bullshit. I learned to stay clear of it a long time ago. I am sure she is a great person to hang out with and I think you should continue to do that, but like you said yourself: don't get too close too fast.

Good luck to you. (BTW- LOVE this blog.... *____*)

Just wanted to say I am enjoying this blog sooo mu...

2010-05-20T18:55:30.673-07:00

Just wanted to say I am enjoying this blog sooo much. I actuall found it doing a search about childfree individuals since my best and closest friend just got pregnant and I feel that I don't even want to deal with her anymore. Why? Because I have plenty of friends who have hd babies and it becomes all about the baby. I don't want to sit in a bar and talk about your kid, nothing your kid does is unique, all babies sit up, hold bottles and poop funny colors!!! I DON'T CARE! I know this is where the relationship is headed and I want to bail now and she just found out. Sooo, reading the blog has been interesting and helpful to know that there are others feeling my struggle. Good luck, because I am voting for be friends until she gets pregnant. If you guys are close you will know if it is going to change things in a negative way.
I know, in my heart, my friend is going to morph into another person.

Hey so I used to read your blog a few months ago a...

2010-05-14T03:53:24.139-07:00

Hey so I used to read your blog a few months ago and anyway I haven't looked at it in ages but I thought I would and I am so sorry to read that things have turned sour with you and your bff. Can I just say though.... that I find you pretty inspirational. I am only 22 years old but lately I have been finding my friends (female friends) talk about the future and breeding and whatnot. It depresses me. I actually used to get a fair bit of comfort from your blog, however lame THAT sounds. Anyway I am pretty much preparing myself for when my friends turn into monsters. I have a couple of CF atheist friends so I think I'll be okay.. but anyway.. You're great. :)

After losing so many friends to the baby side, I a...

2010-05-10T15:47:37.059-07:00

After losing so many friends to the baby side, I actually started doing some research on this. Because there are a few exceptions and I wanted to know how did they manage not to become mombies? Anyway, I ended up getting so much feedback, that I decided to start a blog about it. What I have found so far--- the "cool" moms really make an effort not to bring up their kids all the time and understand it's important to have a "grown-up" friend. Also, this is almost a non-topic for men. In fact, if you're looking for a friend that won't leave once baby comes around-- get a platonic male friend. They are happy to leave the kids to go for a run, play tennis and go out for a beer. I'm just starting my blog on this friendship topic and I would love to hear suggestions people have to keep the friendship going.
http://thebigbabydivide.blogspot.com/

LOL Phoena got that e-mail too.

2010-05-07T20:21:08.951-07:00

LOL Phoena got that e-mail too.

Off topic! Hi Childfree chick! I have been enjoyi...

2010-04-28T03:28:26.854-07:00

Off topic!
Hi Childfree chick!

I have been enjoying your blog for quite a while now. And I mean "enjoy", I really like your writing!
I live in Germany, and although the difference between Childfree and childless would also perfectly work in German, the idea of childfreedom doesn't really exist here. So I thought I'll introduce it. I started writing a book about it, sent it to several agents (5 out of 8 were positively interested, that says a lot I think), I chose one of them, and now the book is currently offered to publishers. What I would like to include are personal stories of childfree people. So, I wanted to ask if you could maybe publish this request on your website and ask if people were willing to share their stories. Absolute confidentiality and anonymity are guaranteed! I would obviously be most interested in people who live in Germany (whether German or other nationals), but not exclusively. But I figured I might not be the only German reading your blog.
Anyway, it would be nice to hear from you soon. If you don't want to publish this request, that's also okay, but it would be good to know one way or the other.

Kind regards,

Nicole

I'd say give her a chance. I'm currently C...

2010-04-20T22:03:42.372-07:00

I'd say give her a chance. I'm currently CF but may have a baby one day but the thought of me being a mombie frightens me and pregnancy grosses me out. I may adopt. I have a few friends that had babies many I don't see anymore and a select few are still cool and will hang out with me without bringing along the sprog or discussing sprog news all night long. Maybe your new friend IF she has a kid (big if) will be a rare exception and if not well you can remember the good times and write about how she went baby crazy. Your former BFF's morph into madness frightened me. I considered locking up my ovaries and spent a good half hour rocking myself in a dark corner lol

This is a tough one to call. I've read through...

2010-04-18T15:52:12.486-07:00

This is a tough one to call. I've read through your blog entries off and on for a few months now and after seeing my best friend also turn into a creature I don't know, I wish I had an answer. She's not even talking kids yet, just marriage. Still turning into a fembot. How I see it is that it's not in a woman's best interest, or really anyone's best interest to turn down a friendship because of potential behavior or views in the future. We're all human, we all change as time goes on -- some for better, some for worse. Friendships can end for a variety of reasons and being able to drift apart without a fight or fallout can be a blessing. I say befriend those you have things in common with but if it appears they're already sold on the conception deception, it's best to keep them at arms length.

As a CF this is undoubtedly my biggest struggle. I...

2010-04-17T14:25:18.413-07:00

As a CF this is undoubtedly my biggest struggle. It gets a little lonely being this way. But that is NOT a reason to have a kid. I've been burned in so may scenarios: I made a good friend- we had a ton in common, then she had a baby...we were still friends. Then she had a second baby...still friends. Then she had a third baby. Let's just say I haven't met her third baby yet and it's been months! Scenario 2. Became friends with a person who was outwardly CF - I though I was safe, and then she changed her mind. Now she's having her second one (she looooves being a mom!). We are not friends anymore. Scenario 3. CF friend accidently gets pregnant, terminates it and then regrets it and now wants one. So this whole thing of finding CF friends seems to me to be a lost cause. Now I just assume everyone will have a baby so I don't even get disappointed. I make an effort to have a lot of work friends so I feel like I have some social connection. At night I do stuff with my husband and the dogs.

INFJ here...definitely need the peace and quiet an...

2010-04-08T20:41:27.471-07:00

INFJ here...definitely need the peace and quiet and will withdraw even within my own skin to get it!

I'd do exactly the same thing. Let me tell you...

2010-04-07T08:26:31.113-07:00

I'd do exactly the same thing. Let me tell you a story. I had two best friends in high school and we all sort of lost touch after that. I worked near one of them and we became close again and then I started working for her husband in a neighboring city. Then she had a baby and I've never seen her since. I don't work for her husband anymore but still, it's not as though we're that far away. Of course I'm 50% responsible for maintaining the friendship, but I have a fear that it would change everything even more. At least this way I have the memory of the way she was.

This brings me to number two. We really didn't talk for years and then one day I found her or she found me on some instant messenger and we started chatting. One day she told me that she'd lost her mucous plug. In addition to nearly vomiting I also realized that my old friend was truly gone and never would return. We've spoken briefly online since then but I never had the desire to see her again as this new totally changed person.

Also, TMI much? If I started chatting about my own discharges in public people would be disgusted. How is it different when a babyspawn is involved? Yuck.

So the lesson here is that friends change and they change and they always will change once they reproduce. If you want to avoid mourning their loss, just don't get involved right from the start.

I say give it a chance. My grandmother often told ...

2010-04-05T23:26:33.008-07:00

I say give it a chance. My grandmother often told me that some people come into your life for only a season. Maybe this will be true of this friend, so enjoy it while you can.

I'm with the poster that said just wait and see how it goes. If she starts to flip out much in the way your other friend did, get out as soon as possible. However, she may surprise you. There are some mothers (even without the benefit of millions of dollars and nannies) that can remain as they did pre-child.

ISFJ IN THE HIZ-ZOUSE! LOL :)

2010-03-29T17:09:17.197-07:00

ISFJ IN THE HIZ-ZOUSE! LOL :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tJRzBpFjJS8

2010-03-29T14:24:10.633-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tJRzBpFjJS8

Ooh, ooh, Please do! it will be very interesting t...

2010-03-28T01:07:17.203-07:00

Ooh, ooh, Please do! it will be very interesting to see the results! AND yes we are very small in the percentage rate just like we are in a world ruled by breeders.

I swear being in the company of CF's and INTJ ...

2010-03-28T01:04:38.870-07:00

I swear being in the company of CF's and INTJ personalities is the equivalent of stepping on foreign territory and then realizing that they are not just familiar faces but damn similar to your own!

yes that's a tough one. Out of the 4 friends t...

2010-03-26T22:59:59.767-07:00

yes that's a tough one. Out of the 4 friends that I'v known in the last 5 years who have spawned, only one has remained true to herself, and able to carry on a normal no kid related conversation for longer than 20 minutes.

But it's not to say that I still don't get some kind of enjoyment out of the other 3. 1 is a lost cause (she ends all her emails with her 5 year old daughters "updates" and sent all her friends her birth pictures - yea pictures of her daughter coming out of her twat). 1 is an interesting sociological experiment (she constantly complains about how unhappy she is and how she misses her life pre-kid and how she wishes she could tell this to women who are considering doing the breeding route-however she is still on my $hit list since she got rid of one of her cats because it "scwatched her widdle chide". (bitch)
the 3rd is still on the "lets wait and see list" (she had the baby 4 months ago and her facebook status updates are still only 75% about the kid)

so my advice is to give this girl a chance. You never know WHAT might happen. (I mean at one time I thought "I" wanted to breed even! it's just a knee jerk reaction to life sometimes) She could change her mind, she could never meet anyone to breed with, she could come to her senses. I would give her a chance.

OMFG guys I am an INFJ (we make up less than 1% ) ...

2010-03-26T22:22:16.849-07:00

OMFG guys I am an INFJ (we make up less than 1% ) ! We are ALL very similar though!

I should do a post about this to see where other CF folks fall on the MBTI...so interesting!!!

It is a tough choice but I'd suggest to just e...

2010-03-26T21:32:08.104-07:00

It is a tough choice but I'd suggest to just enjoy the good times you have now, because whether they stick around or not, people like that do not come often in our lives. The majority of my friends are guys and kids are not really on their agenda (some are CF as well, snipped and all-around certain!), but from the girls I'm friendly with, most want babies at some point. For some (read: two) I am prepared to go the extra mile and be patient, as I'm sure they won't lose their identity along the mommy trail. But as for the rest, no but no thanks. I can already see them transform now, when they're merely talking about babies -I cannot imagine how it'll be when they actually have them. So that's another thing to look out for -it's very different when someone says "I guess I'd like to have kids at some point" (it's vague and in the distant future) instead of "OMG I cannot wait to have babies because that would make me fulfilled as a person" (/puke).

Also INTJ, LOL

2010-03-26T21:22:09.981-07:00

Also INTJ, LOL

Ever since I started a blog it's like all the ...

2010-03-26T20:30:06.954-07:00

Ever since I started a blog it's like all the worlds I belonged to collided. I even came across a researcher who found that the majority of CFs are INTJs. Not surprising I guess...needing alone time, not liking to repeat ourselves (put that down, put that down, put that down), and judging humanity's stupidity in never-ending ways : )

'So, we'll be the best of friends until bi...

2010-03-26T20:05:47.353-07:00

'So, we'll be the best of friends until birth do us part...'

I think you should have this copyrighted! it should be on t-shirts, coffee mugs, bumper stickers you name it! I love it and until you get it done I will be using that line. ;-)

Another INTJ personality!!!! yep I'm having my...

2010-03-26T20:05:38.155-07:00

Another INTJ personality!!!! yep I'm having my mail forwarded and the movers should be pulling up soon since I am definitely home.