Comments on Childfree Clique: You're Now In The "Momfia", Let The Chorus of "It...

Dude. I AM SO LUCKY. BOTH of my best friends are...

2011-05-14T01:54:03.917-07:00

Dude. I AM SO LUCKY.

BOTH of my best friends are firmly, unequivocally, unapologetically Childfree and will gladly shoot down any Mommy bingo that comes their way. I love it.

(And I always have a place to crash when I visit my hometown. Awesome.)

I think the hardest part is even when you DO have ...

2011-05-14T01:51:21.726-07:00

I think the hardest part is even when you DO have her to yourself, even if baby is with a sitter, a parents attention span by nature is pretty much reduced to the same attention span as their child. So be prepared, talking to her will be on the same level as talking to her baby. One of my Mommy friends has three (cute) kids and I swear she can't even string a sentence together, let alone carry on a half an hour serious political debate. Shopping (even sans kiddos) is a freakish exercise of watching her dart frantically down the aisles, flinging things into her cart, gabbling away yet making no sense what so ever.

It occurred to me... "You HAVE to be on the same mental level as the age of your kids...or else you can't really communicate with them." It's weird. "Are you hungry? Do you want your kitty? Did you poop? Wheressss Daddy?! PEEK A BOO!" What the...how are any of those statements even related to each other? Conversations with my Mommy friends are all the same...they sort of go: "What are you having for lunch? I like your shoes! I am really tired. I need to call my babysitter! Wait. Are we eating lunch? Or just having coffee. I love coffee! Satsuma is cutting her first tooth. Where did I leave my phone?! Oh, it's in my pocket. Did I say I like your shoes? I am so tired. Where are we?"

Welcome to being around a friend who can't relax for a couple of decades.

I also dread the day when my BFF has a child. She...

2010-08-16T18:15:04.494-07:00

I also dread the day when my BFF has a child. She and I have been friends pretty much all of our lives...we met in preschool and we're now 33. We each have only older brothers and so we're like the sisters we've never had to each other. Hanging with her is like hanging with myself.
We've had our adventures...lots of camping trips n' crazy parties. We even backpacked and spent the night on the Great Wall of China.

As of now she's just broken up with a long term boyfriend who she lived with and thought she would marry. She's always wanted the regular 'ol life script, but after some failed relationships, she's preparing herself for the fact that it may never happen for her. Thankfully she's not desperate enough to go the turkey baster route, and doesn't want kids much past the age of 35. So at this point it may or may not happen. I've obviously crossing my fingers for the latter. :P

I've been preparing myself for the inevitability. The whirlwind romance, the lovely wedding... But all we can wish for them is happiness, right? I'm just really hoping that if and when it finally happens for her, she'll be a decent parent and will be able to still hold our friendship in a special place. And I can be crazy 'ol aunt sea. :)

Who knows how it'll end up for you guys but hey, at least you had your great times together. And there are always new friends to discover!

Thank you for this blog and for this post. If any ...

2010-07-19T16:08:26.879-07:00

Thank you for this blog and for this post. If any more of my friends on FB update every hour with baby updates, I'll throw up. Children should not be your whole life. There are other things to talk about!

Love your posts!

Here's the 2nd half... I read your po...

2009-11-04T18:08:44.667-07:00

Here's the 2nd half...

I read your post on TDC after it was pulled and wanted to comment but I figured it has been long enough, I didn't want it to be overlooked. I really hope that it wasn't out of spite that the website was pulled, but I can see it as a possibility. It can be painful to be presented with that much frustration over something that most women are already insecure about, but they weren't being forced to read the site and it's too bad there isn't that outlet for fathers out there today. I don't think it was representative to how all men feel about being fathers though. Everything does change when you become a parent, and I'm not going to pretend that I wasn't hard to live with for awhile there (hormones run high during and for a long time after pregnancy) but my marriage hasn't been hurt by it the way most of the people on that site made it seem. The dynamic changed, but it's done that constantly over our relationship already - when we first moved in together, throughout different friendships and roommates, career changes, buying our first house, etc. etc.... Neither of us are the people we were when we first met, but, perhaps luckily, we're happier together because of that.

As for the sex life - of course it's different! (I'm about too be a little TOO honest now... so feel free to skip this paragraph, lol)I've never heard a woman say her vagina went back to normal after childbirth, but maybe I just have honest friends... I couldn't have sex for months after delivery without crying, and if my husband thought that was sexy I'd be seriously concerned.... so we bought a lot more porn and experimented a lot until we found a balance we both enjoyed :) Sex is important to both of us though, maybe that's just luck also. As far as tightness, he tells me I'm different, but that doesn't change how much he enjoys it - that could just be a white lie because he loves me though because he also told me that I didn't sh** on the delivery table and looking at the statistics, that seems unlikely... but I won't turn away a compliment :)

To get back to your friend! (sorry for the long post, I work in a small office, I need more social outlets...) There are specialists out there, sometimes at her own OB's or the hospital she delivered in. For some women, breastfeeding doesn't get better. For me, it took about two months, and my baby was an easy feeder. Going back to work pretty much destroyed it though because I absolutely hated pumping and my son was on formula at 5 months old. I'll be honest, formula feeding is definitely not the end of the world, and it was a relief not to be the only person who could feed my son, but it was irrationally painful too. I cried a lot during that time and felt like a failure and I'm by no means a militant breastfeeder. Whatever your friend does, she's going to need support because nobody's going to be as hard on her as herself. She might just need somebody to cry with her if something's bothering her, or just bitch over drinks and chocolate if that's more her style - I enjoy both :)

And that picture you showed in the above post is pretty f***ed... I post more pictures of my son than is at all necessary (videos too, gotta love the video clips...) but I wouldn't even let my husband have access to a camera while I was in labor let alone have somebody else in the room to document the slow destruction of my vag. I can't say I'm too surprised unfortunately, I had a friend post her botched boob job pics with miniature stars over the nipples (like we don't know what's there?), we're living the TMI generation - thank youtube and reality TV :P

So my comment is INCREDIBLY and ridiculously...

2009-11-04T18:07:29.354-07:00
So my comment is INCREDIBLY and ridiculously long, so it's broken up into 2 and I apologize, but I'm too lazy to shorten it... Nice to meet you btw :)

I don't know you, and I don't know your friend (and I didn't read your rules first so I hope I don't break any!), but I can tell you from my own experience --

Motherhood isn't perfect. It isn't the most amazing thing in the world. It's hard, it's challenging and it's incredibly draining, but for ME, it has been worth it. I've missed out on a lot. I didn't go as far in my degree as I wanted. I never got to backpack across Europe with my friend last year. I'll never have an internship in another country. I can't even go out to a movie without planning a week ahead of time. Those are things I'll miss and wistfully dream about.

But I don't regret being a mother because of that, and I hope your friend doesn't either. When my son smiles and laughs and dances, I get irrationally happy. That's a good way to describe parenthood I think - a lack of total rationality, but it's not all bad. Then again, I've always wanted children :)

I don't think having kids is the most important thing a person will do and I certainly don't think it's for everybody. I applaud somebody like you who knows what you want and won't let somebody tell them otherwise. There are women out there that hate being mothers and every mom has a moment where the stress pain and frustration all together consumes them - just like in any other challenge. But there are also women like me, who admit that it's not perfect, but love it anyways. I don't think I'm in denial when I say that it's worth it, but again, that applies only to me. I can't fairly speak for all mothers of the world :)

I found your blog when I tried finding out what happened to True Dad Confessions. I loved that site, it was dramatic and ridiculous and I appreciated the honesty and bluntness. I was also grateful that I didn't see a lot of that kind of attitude in my husband. Don't get me wrong he complains to me, and I hope he knows he can come to me with anything that bothers him, but he really appears to love being a father, and he's a good one too. We both have our moments where we're ready to break something, usually after midnight during growth spurts or teething... but my life overall is incredibly happy and he says and acts like it's the same for him (I hesitate to simply state that it is, I can't speak for him, but he's a blunt person and I trust that he's honest with me).

I am not child-free however, I understand the issu...

2009-10-21T12:33:15.955-07:00
I am not child-free however, I understand the issue here. I hope to goodness and things holy that when I have my baby the years to follow aren't child-centered. I chose to want kids but I also choose to have a life after I give birth. My life won't center around my children if it can be helped. That's why there is grandma, grandpa on both sides and dad. I am not saying I'd pawn my kid off and neglect and ish but I definitely am NOT going to be tied down by the fact that I have kids. Just the same way I am not tied down by having a husband.

I'm dreading the day my BFF will have a baby, ...

2009-10-14T02:19:19.059-07:00
I'm dreading the day my BFF will have a baby, too.
In college I had 3 good friends (one of them my BFF) and now 15 years later we still all meet up 4-5 times a year for an evening together, the host of the evening prepares a nice dinner, and we chat and laugh and play cards.
One of them has two kids now, but she doesn't talk about them too much and is fortunately not in need of any reality check, bless her! Her husband is also a very hands on dad.
The two others had CF boyfriends for a long time, but both these relationships ended recently... when both those friends somehow realized, after they turned 30, that they did want kids after all. My BFF was my "CF role model" in a way, because for years she kept saying she didn't want kids, and it made me realize that there was a CHOICE!
Anyway, one of my friends is now single but actively looking for a future father for the kids she wants, and my BFF is in a relationship that is heading really fast towards childed family life.
I recently moved 300 km away from the area to be closer to my BF and next month my 3 friends will come visit for a weekend, I'm looking forward to it so much!
BUT I'm also thinking that it could be the first and last time it happens, if two of them have to take care of newborns in the next few years. It makes me sad :(

Sorry for the long comment, I guess I needed the vent!

I think what you should do is make sure to keep up...

2009-10-08T20:41:12.774-07:00
I think what you should do is make sure to keep up with her and give her a reality check every so often. You two are close so I think she'd value your words a lot more than others. Get between her and the chorus of mooing.

Oh, wow.... I wonder if your BFF is having some t...

2009-10-08T18:45:58.590-07:00
Oh, wow.... I wonder if your BFF is having some too-late regrets? Those nutjobs on FB sound VERY CULTISH. I hope your BFF doesn't fall for the b.s. and drink the Kool-Aid.

(((((HUGS)))) for you and your BFF.

Long time lurker, first time posting. Here's m...

2009-10-08T07:19:09.091-07:00
Long time lurker, first time posting. Here's my two cents: you and your friend now live in different worlds, BUT, if you both try hard, you can bridge the gap. I talk from experience as most of my mom's friends were sans brats by choice, and three of my closest friends have kids.

As I see it, the first three years are going to be the toughest. Hang on and grab any chance you get for some alone time with your friend (of course, living in different states is tricky, but you can always plan ahead). Understand that there will be times that your friend will want to talk about the baby, and you will have to listen. But it doesn't have to go on forever, and best case scenario it probably won't. Since your friend understands that you're just not into "kiddie worship" BS, you'll do fine. My friends were 100% understanding and I think that salvaged our friendship. Not in one visit did they ask me to hold their baby or interact with it in any way -in fact we rarely met at their place and thankfully our local pub has a strict no-kid policy!

Anyway, in an attempt to finish this ridiculously long comment, just think positive! Even though at times you'll just have to grin and bear the baby talk, maintaining this friendship is definitely not impossible. Best of luck :D

It's rough. I hardly ever see my two best fri...

2009-10-03T13:14:35.159-07:00
It's rough. I hardly ever see my two best friends... partially because of distance and opposing work schedules, but also because they both have small children. The time I do get to spend with them when the kids are being watched by someone else is great... but often it's with the kid around, and that limits what we can do (and say.)

I am lucky and glad that neither of them are in a judgmental mombie clique or state of mind... they don't let other moos dictate how to raise their children, and they don't judge me for choosing not to have any (if anything, they tell me I've made the right choice!) and they don't bore me or clutter up my facebook with cutesy little kid stories and various bullshit like that. But they wouldn't be my best friends if they were any other way.

The baby is going to keep you apart in certain ways... she's at a point when she's got to give it her attention constantly. But you can still be there with her, to help her have a break from the baby (I don't mean babysitting, I mean getting someone else to watch the snotmonster while you two go out and do grown-up things.) She will need someone in her life that she can be an adult with, and even though you guys won't have those times as often as before, at least you can still have them.

It's going to get very weird for my wif...

2009-10-02T10:59:24.489-07:00
It's going to get very weird for my wife as her friends begin to have their own children (and, inevitably, none of them who have started are in a stable position where parenthood should have even been considered an option). It's not so bad for me — I'm an introvert, and as long as I have my wife and my cats (the only kids we want or need), I'm largely good and set. (Well, and my MacBook and iPhone ... need the gadgets.) My co-workers are starting to have kids, but as long as they don't feel the need to bring them into the office, that's fine by me. :p

As a Childfree guy, I know exactly how you are fee...

2009-10-02T07:20:24.690-07:00
As a Childfree guy, I know exactly how you are feeling.

Many of my good friends now have children. I would love to be able to go out and, if nothing else, have dinner together, but of course, they can't because of the kids...or even worse, they'd want to bring the kids!

"I am so glad to not be in her shoes...but so regretful that SHE is in her shoes."

This is precisely how I feel about my friends with children. I have the impression that some of them wouldn't trade their children for the world, but I truly wonder how many of them really feel that way. I can't help thinking that they're just been brainwashed by the cult of parenthood.

Comments on Childfree Clique: You're Now In The "Momfia", Let The Chorus of "It...

Dude. I AM SO LUCKY. BOTH of my best friends are...

I think the hardest part is even when you DO have ...

I also dread the day when my BFF has a child. She...

Thank you for this blog and for this post. If any ...

Here's the 2nd half... I read your po...

So my comment is INCREDIBLY and ridiculously...

I am not child-free however, I understand the issu...

I'm dreading the day my BFF will have a baby, ...

I think what you should do is make sure to keep up...

Oh, wow.... I wonder if your BFF is having some t...

Long time lurker, first time posting. Here's m...

It's rough. I hardly ever see my two best fri...

It's going to get very weird for my wif...

As a Childfree guy, I know exactly how you are fee...